Getting to Know...Jackanapes

The second of our series of investigative reports on the diabolical teams of the DCBA and the men behind them. Led by a co-founder of the DCBA, a sitting co-commissioner, 2-time champion, devoted husband & father, and the stumblingest fumblingest football player ever, today we'll look at the Jackanapes (nee The Bucketheads (the love-child of The Smashed Hats and The Floor Pies)).

Q: What are you doing here?

A: I'm here to win, place, show, or come in 4th.


Q:What ever happened to the Bucketheads? Were you an admirer of Dr. Lester Fisher or perhaps an avid viewer of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom starring Marlon Perkins? Why the name change to Jackanapes?
A:I could no longer afford to pay for the rights to use the photo of that cherubic-faced darling girl with a plastic bucket on her head as my icon. So I went with an image in the public domain and based the name on the picture. Plus, you can't spell Jackanapes without N-A-P-S. And I think we all want a li'l Naps in us.


Q:To what do you attribute your past successes in the DCBA?
A:Changing the rules each year to fit my draft strategy.But seriously...This is probably a question reserved for our more successful and steamrolling teams, your Festivus Miracles, your Bebops Cowboy, your Deaths from Below. I have had mediocre teams that have put together the right numbers during two championship weeks. You just have to put yourself in a position for karma to do its thang. It comes and goes.
Q:I blame the other teams, personally.



Q:In the 2005 draft, after it was established that there would be keepers, you chose Randy Johnson with the #1 overall pick. Would you want that one back?
A:No. Not at all. I take each match-up one week at a time. In March of 2005, I thought Randy Johnson was the best pick for the first week of April 2005. As much fun it is to pretend we're 10-year-old boys trading baseball cards and throwing 10-sided dice in Baseball Dynasty Dungeons & Dragons, it's really about the wins. Keepers come and go. Flags fly forever.
And anyway, Randy Johnson turned into Manny Ramirez who turned into Roy Halladay who turned into...(stay tuned)...



Q:Who would you take with the #1 pick if you had it this year?
A:Virtually impossible to answer since we don't know who will be available, but if I had to guess I'd say Albert Pujols. Wait...which question is this?
Q:It's the one in which you try to avoid tampering charges and a formal censure.



Q: Any single player to whom you are indebted for leading you down the path of success?
A:Jeff Kent.
Q:What'd that douchebag do for you?
A:Did you know that no team has won the league championship without either having Jeff Kent on their roster or desperately coveting JeffKent? Think about it.
Q: Thought about it. Didn't make sense. Want to question your sanity. Wouldn't be prudent.



Q:Which major league player, past or present, do you feel that you most resemble?
A:Jeff Kent.
Q:In what way?
A:I, too, look like a complete doofus in a baseball cap. Oh, plus the 'stache.
Q:It's funny because it's true.


Q:Any memorable moments from your three years (and running) of DCBA play?
A:Sitting at the computer with the Bucketheads mascot, trying not to swear as I watch Travis Hafner's bench point tick upwards of 70 during one looooooong week in September of '05.
Q: Won't have to worry about that this year, eh?


Q:What's your drink of choice?
A:Manhattan, on the rocks, made with the mid-level Bourbon, Old Fitzgerald. No Bitters. I have one per week on Friday evenings after a hard day of watching Sesame Street.


Q:Ok, you're drinking a Manhattan at a bar and you find out that in order to save the world you need to pick up one of two chicks: naked zombie or clothed pornstar. Whom do you go for?
A:I'd be wary of strange oozes coming from either one, but at least with the clothed porn star there would be some layer of protection. So I'll go with that. And anyway, I can think of a couple things she could do for me while fully clothed. Like get me another goddamned drink!


Q:What do you think was your best trade and why?
A:I would have to say Derrek Lee and Mike Mussina for Roger Clemens and Larry Walker during Spring Training of '05. It was a great trade all around. Clemens went on to have another fantastic year and Lee's '05 was absolutely off-the-charts. No one saw it coming. Certainly I didn't either. I was just lucky: I didn't draft a 1B-eligible player and I was very desperate. It worked out OK.


Q:How about Free Agent pickup?
A:Oh, I've had so many memorable ones. Like picking up Hanley Ramirez in Spring Training of '06...and dropping him a couple weeks later.Didn't he end up ROY or something? Or picking up Justin Morneau during his awful slump at the beginning of '06 and then dropping him a couple weeks later. Didn't he end up MVP or something? But I'd say the best one was probably picking up Ben Sheets on 3/15/04 -- a few weeks before he'd break out on his 237 IP, 264 K, 2.70 ERA campaign.
Q:Yeah, we'll never see that kind of performance out of Sheets again.

Q: Finally, who do you see in the DCBA Final Four?
A: 1: Whoever has Jeff Kent; 3: other teams
Q. For the last time, Jeff Kent is Mormon, not gay. Anyhow, thanks for taking our questions, and good luck.