TransAction Thursday

Is it the switch-hitting? The crewcut? The big C in front? Irregardless, Jason Varitek posed too attractive a nuisance to Them Daggum Soxes, who like whatever it is they see on, around or about him enough to jettison Michael Barrett. Perhaps after witnessing the Cubs' post-Barrett-trade 6-game winning streak, TDS hope for the same. (Seeing as they matchup with The Consummate Bastards after the upcoming Jackanapes, TDS can count on only one.)

Proving once again that the Milwaukee Brewers are the de rigueur team in 2007, All Those Wacky Cats snatch up Cappy (SP-MIL) out from under everyone while he's still on the DL, wishing and hoping and praying that (1) Gallardo hasn't Pipped him and that (2) he's worth starting if he does return to the rotation. O-Cab, not to be confused with O'Cab, (SS-LAA) outlived his usefulness as a placeholder.

Not having committed a crime against either humanity or common decency this week, Pans, in a unanimous, sealed-ballot vote, find Elijah Dukes (CF-???) falling short of the character provisions in the Pans Charter and, just like everyone else, give up on him. Adam Wainwright, who serves in some capacity for the St. Louis Cardinals according to the transaction alert e-mail, is thrown into the hodge-podge bricolage that is Pans.

You wouldn't've found any of these acquisitions at the 99¢ Store because they all cost $1 before taxes.

My thoughts on these acquisitions?

TransAction Monday (Tuesday Edition)

With a rush and a push, Jonathan H. of The Darned Sox continues his impressive Debut Week on Rusty Kuntz Presents: Da Chicagoland Baseball Assocation's Blog Now Featuring Jonathan H. of The Darned Sox...

Coach Buttermaker loves 'Bad News Bears' references almost as much as cigarillos, Schlitz, and teenage-girl pitchers.

Injuries abound!

ATWCs picked up Toronto Raptor relief ace Dustin "Screech" McGowan for $2. They could've gotten him for $1. Eric Chavez was sent packing. Remember when Chavez and Rolen were the tits in fantasy baseball. Seeing these guys in the Free Agent pond makes me feel old. Overpaid. Wait, wasn't this the dude that had carried the no hitter into the ninth. Depending on how this kid goes, Generalismo Tidmarsh will either look like a chump or a genius. [That's my Dusty Baker on Baseball Tonight impression.]

Festivus Miracles were a victim of the shoulder bug that's cruising through major league rotations when Jason [ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah] Schmidt went to the table for a labrum. Shoulders are tricky things. To fill out the roster, they signed Justin Germano ($1) who I know nothing about since I live in the confines of a devoutly AL town. Apparently, he's a starter with dual citizenship in Reliefistan. Supposedly good for deeper leagues. Throws in Petco. Nice pick. Also coming aboard is Brian Bannister who is a Kansas City Royal but by the looks of his game log, doesn't really play like it. The Miracles will hope and pray that he doesn't catch wind of his real-life ball club while on their roster. Sent packing: Freddy Garcia with one of those nightmare shoulder things. Don't expect to see Garcia again this year. Bannister was "had" for a $1.

Reeling from the clubhouse dustup The Not So Fragile Flowers decided to roll with Chipper Jones by releasing Jason Varitek. Victor Martinez takes over the catching duties. To take 'Tek's place, cagey GM Michael Roberts picked up old man Kenny Rogers ($1). This Flower child team has some real 'character' guys on the roster. Just thinking about how this would look through the lens of my Little League days... Jeter the leader constantly reminding you of how many outs they've got. Manny alternates picking at his nose and the dandelions in left. Grady Sizemore, the skinny kid with ill-fitted pants. Gary Sheffield, who's only out-mouthed by his mom, getting into it with the all-too-all-American boy Curt Schilling. Kenny Rogers, diva. Roger Clemens' parents only bring him to half the games and then only after the team's started 0-5, which sorta makes everyone feel even more miserable about themselves because he's the best they've got. Barry Zito bong-ripping under the bleachers. Casey Blake, the kid with facial hair and body odor before everyone else so the rest of the team tries to keep their distance. Chipper Jones, the kid with actual sliding shorts and store bought pants, not the league issued stuff, afraid to get 'em dirty. Mark Teahen, the fat kid. Even though he's not fat, he's the fattest one, so he's the fat kid. Where're Kelly Leak and Tanner Boyle when you need 'em?

Slipstream Starlings continue to make slippy-sloppy by picking up Ty Wigginton. Wig can be donned at any of the bases, which is a nice thing to have this time of year. He'll spell Jason "Black and Blue Lung" Morneau at first for a week or so. Wig is streaky and coming off a hitting streak, so this could go either way. Worth the $1 fee in Canadian Dollars only. Sergio Mitre got fired. Tim Wakefield was released to make way for Troy Tulozitzki who seems to be the second coming of Doug Mienkiewicz in the awkward to type last name department. He's also another Polish born infielder, learning to play the game the right way on the sandlots of Krakow. $1. TT comes in to fill in for JJ Hardy and the up-until-now iron man Miguel Tejada. The Starlings are currently carrying three shortstops. I wonder if that bothers them. It bothers me just looking at it. Worry not for Wakefield, knuckleballers will always have a place in the game, real-life or fantastic. Pitching for the Sox, has to help too. Watch for Wakefield to float back in this thing of ours somewhere.

TransAction Monday -- though posted under the name Commissioner Johnston -- was written this week by Guest Blogger Extraordinaire Jonathan Hooker.

TWIDCBA: Week 12

Dear members of the DCBA, not only has our rookie member, Mr. Jonathan Darned Sock, gained control of first place, but he's now also supplanted the Nap-oleonic 2006 champion in writing This Week In The DCBA. To the victor goes the toils.


First, an ass slap to Craig Biggio who the Rangers' announcers just informed me personally, on the air, that this double he just hit made him the all-time leader in deuces for righties.

In the order of matchups on my scoreboard:

The Darned Sox (310) @ All the wrong Cubs (333.5)
It was a week of division rivalries. In the Unstoppable Forces Division the Cubs were a game behind the Sox. They aren't anymore. Despite a heroic effort from the short-leashed Ian Kinsler (42), the Cubs got it done by committee, and the Sox continue to fritter against division foes. Eric Byrnes continues to impress until he opens his insufferable mouth on Fox's game of the week. The Sox mistakenly went with Dontrelle Willis even though it was apparent even to the Sox's team mom (who brought the post-game Dr. Peppers this week) that he was puttering out. Hometown 'closer' [NB: Sarcastic single quotation marks] Eric Gagne looked good despite pitching in meaningless situations for an even more meaningless and contraction-worthy team. Hopefully, Rangers GM John Daniels will trade him for a used fungo bat and some broken down shit just like he did Chris Young, CoCo Cordero, Kevin Mench, and Soriano, and the Sox will actually have a closer pitching in closing situations in the second half. Seriously, has there ever been a historically worse team in the history of ever than the Texas Rangers? Arizona Cardinals? Even the Washington Capitals made it to the finals. As for the Cubs, who the hell is S. Marshall?

Consummate Bastards (345) @ the Jackanapes (291)
The Jackanapes got a raw deal, I say. While the J'apes only scored a meager 24 points on the final day of the series, the Bastards managed 74. Were this only a 6 day week... The Bastards managed this with only 11 points from Brian "Pepper" McCann, 16 from Steven Drew, and a lightweight 17 from heavyweight Miguel Cabrera. Of course, as these things go, the Jack's bench scored a hefty 104.5. Yanni Gallardo rocked the house with 38.5 points. I should point out that the Rangers passed on this kid too.


Naps (259) @ Not So Fragile Flowers (243.5)
Both teams brought their defenses this week. Which is good, because neither brought their offense. It was really Johann Sebastian Carlos Santana's week: 50.5! Were that not enough, it was also long-time life partners Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent combining for 51 thus effectively carrying Hafner and Andru Jones who continues to flirt with the Mendoza Line and who HOF softy Bobby Cox mistakenly puts in the starting lineup every damned game. After that, it gets ugly all over. At least the Flowers were uglier by committee though with 7 guys scoring over 20 points to the Naps' 4 20-pointers. Continued clubhouse infighting between Gamer Jason Varitek and HOF Sandbagging Pussy Chipper Jones continues to rock the Flowers. Will the GM have to step in? Word has it Pedro Gomez is being reassigned from Bonds to cover this mess. Who the hell is C. James?

Da [sic] Infidels (251.5) @ The Festivus Miracles (347)
I'm trying to be polite here, but ouch. Sparkling weeks by Ryan Howard and Mayor Alfonse Soriano couldn't make up for some woeful starting pitching by the Infidels. Colorado starter Judd Hirsch still smarting from the cancellation of "Dear John" managed just 3.5 points for the week begging the question, why would anyone have a Rockies starter on their roster? Be that as it may, Yankees 'ace' Chien-andalusia Wang managed 2 more than that, and Jason "Hesitating" Marquis managed one more than that. Not trying to pile on, but Bronson Arroyo and Jerrod [sic] Washburn were on the bench while Gil Meche and Hirsch were out there. What were they doing on that bench? They were busy scoring a tantalizing 14.5 and mind-blowing 23 points, respectively, for the bench squad. On the bright side, The Infidels' bench absolutely kicked the Miracles' bench's ass 104-42.5. [Still not good enough to beat the Jackanapes' bench.] On the other side of things, super utility man Chone [sic] Figgins plopped a steaming pile of 38 points on things thus leading the way for a stellar showing by the Miracles' infield (147 points). Huzzah. Da Infidels still have the best post-game spread with the freshest Parkerhouse rolls in the league, though.

Sickos (318.5) @ Slipstream Starlings (282)
In the Immovable Objects Division we also had the first place team at the second place's park. Here, the Sickos overcame having to bat in the top of the innings to win by about 40 points (I'm eyeballing it.) Bartolo Colon sat this one out despite having two starts this week, but never mind that, he only scored 21 points for the Starlings' bench. Darling Starlings John Maine and Josh Beckett brought the rock with 42.5 and 44 points, respectively. Unfortunately not enough to carry an unproductive infield (60). Some guy named Johnson scored only 4 points for the Sickos. Sicko Brian Roberts capped a good week for 2Bmen with 41 points. [Kinsler, 42; O Hudson, 20; H Kendrick, 29; Weeks, 20; Kent, 26; Uggla, 32.]


Finally, the Sox would like to ask for a moment of silence for longtime Sox great Rod Beck. Rod first joined us back in our inaugural season in '98, teaming up with Mike Timlin and Mariano Rivera for the 'beat 'em with the bullpen' Sox. Beck re-upped with the Sox in '99 when Timlin and Rivera walked. For every year after including his improbable but fortunate return to the Bigs in 2004, Beck spent time on the Sox roster who, save their debut season, have never actually had a closer . He was a fan favorite and no Sock will ever wear #47 again. Requiescat in pace.

TransAction Thursday

He’s got the whole world in his hands…

HIS HULK HANDS!

Les Fleurs Pas Si Faibles evidently remember the bite-and-claw furor like a rummage sale at the DCBA Year 2007 draft, and with all due care fold a single dollar into the shape of a caduceus, wrap it in duck feathers and seal it under plexiglass along with a baby’s yawn for Larry Wayne Jones (DL-ATL). Beware, DCBA! You won’t like him when he’s healthy! The “right-handed Travis Hafner,” Ryan “Donnie” Garko, was shunted off, although for much less than the left-handed Travis Hafner commanded (more on that later).

Nopedate: Larry injured his groin on 6/20, and is questionable for this weekend’s series. Fragile indeed!

It’s Easter in almost-July for the Jackanapes, as they stop by the east coast equivalent of Hy-Vee for some Jamon Hernandez (on sale for a $1). John Buck, the hittingest catcher that rarely plays, loses his job as a Jackanape because he only hits homeruns, whereas the Jackanapes prefer singles.

Brad Lidge, who had as yet to record even one single solitary save on the season, was dismissed in a timely fashion as he hits the DL with an oblique strain, for Clay Buchholz, RHP for the Boston Red Sox, who himself will probably not see one single major league inning anytime soon, if at all this year. Unsurprisingly, this move was effected by The Chickenhawking Bastards, who are also cheap bastards, spending only one measly fantasy dollar.

My thoughts on these acquisitions?

TWIDCBA: 12 To Go

Some teams are flying high, while others are going south.

http://dcba.baseball.sportsline.com/scoring/completed/11

TransAction Monday

All the Wrong Cubs let the DL'd Chris Capuano go to pick up Shaun Marcum ($1). Marcum, while not a world-beater, has quietly put up some interesting numbers since he's joined the Blue Jays rotation on May 13: 3-0, 2.38 ERA. From a fantasy perspective, in the last 28 days (encompassing 5 starts) he's averaged 15.70 points per game start. While that and a nickel will get you 5 pieces of penny candy, it's impressive when compared to the last 28 days (encompassing 5 or 6 starts) of: Barry Zito (15.20), Josh Beckett (15.13), Rich Hill (14.83), John Lackey (14.50), Roy Oswalt (12.75), Felix Hernandez (11.50), Tim Hudson (10.10), and Bronson Arroyo (6.50).

With Takashi Saito safely pitching again, the Slipstream Starlings sent Kevin Gregg back straight to hell. The Starlings rostered the multi-eligible (RF, LF, CF) Shane Victor Vito ($1). Victor Vito, coming off a 30 point week, was immediately inserted into the starting line-up to spell the slightly chilled Jeff Frenchheart. Est-ce que quelqu'un ne pensera pas s'il vous plait aux enfants ?

The Darned Sox picked up the redhot Dustin Pedroia ($1), while casting their vote for Alex Rios for CF, dumping Johnny Damon in the process. On April 30, Pedroia was sitting at .182/.308/.236. Since then, from May 1 to present day, he's put up the line: .385/.449/.549. From a fantasy perspective, season-to-date-wise, he's only clocking in at 0.76 points per plate appearance, below such studs as Daimon Easley (0.77) and Brendan Harris (0.84), but Pedroia has shown he can and will make up for lost time. Nice move. Now that the real Ian Kinsler has stood up (April: .298/375/.667...May to Present: .193/.279/.276), might it be time for him to sit down on the bench?

And the Jackanapes continue to peel off those dollar bills, slapping 'em down -- $100 [grunt], $200 -- and they can see those fighter planes...and they can see those fighter planes. The latest bombs to drop are John Buck ($1) for the worst pick-up of the year so far (Bengie Molina) and Rickie Weeks ($2) for the second-most expensive pick-up of the year so far (Phil Hughes). Kaboom.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. This is the last week for this disclaimer. It's clobberin' time.

TWIDCBA: Rated X

Knuckler? I don't even know her!

Those of you who tune in on a regular basis might have noticed that games are usually chronicled from the highest scoring to the lowest scoring, the idea being that there's more to say about a high-scoring game than a low-scoring one, in addition to the fact that I usually run out of steam somewhere around game number 3, so I can just mail those in and nobody'll notice. This week, however, breaking the pattern is

Da Infidels 365.5 (1-9) @ Savage Sickos 353 (5-5)

Da Infidels win! Their long Nationals-city-living nightmare is over. Despite the best efforts of Nate Robertson (a member of the 43-119 Detroit Tigers in 2003), DI finally received the long-anticipated power production which the team was built upon, racking up an astonishing 22% of their season total in homers in Week 10 alone. Also helping the newly reinsurgent Infidels were 2 CG from their starting staff and the first blown slave of the year from Francisco Cordero.

Not So Fragile Flowers 395.5 (5-5) @ All the wrong Cubs 275 (6-4)

Leading the league in scoring for the second time this season, the NSFF, if the playoffs started today, would miss out on a spot by 2.5 points. So despite Bobby Aruba putting up an astonishing 50 points, those 10 and 11 point weeks earlier in the season might become another replay of last year, when the Bucketheads screwed All The Wrong Cubs out of a wild-card slot by the length of one solid save performance, or a 3-run homer. ATWC, behind the wheels of Curtis Granderson, have already hit 27 triples this year, making them, by extension of the triple being the "most exciting play in baseball," the "most exciting team in the DCBA."

Festivus Miracles 326 (5-5) @ The Consummate Bastards 391.5 (6-4)
You can't turn on a television or walk 20 feet without seeing and/or hearing Chris Berman waxing poetic about the Festivus "Do You Believe In" Miracles vs. The Consummate "Professional" Bastards. In the 23rd meeting in the storied history of the biggest rivals in the DCBA, the CoBas crept closer to catching the Miracles, improving the CoBas mark against the Miracles to 8-15, and more germane to this year, kept ahead of them in the standings. There have been only 3 pitching performances this season of over 50 points, with only two players responsible, and both were in this game. To be precise, JJ Putz was on the bench while two-time 50-point scorer CC Sabathia was leading the CoBas to victory.

The Darned Sox 327.5 (7-3) @ Slipstream Starlings 270 (6-4)
The winner would hold on to possession of first place and the loser would...also hold on to possession of first place. In a possible playoff preview, TDS was able to coax 2 CG from their starters while the Starlings were putting up a 5.18 ERA, yet it was the Starlings pitchers who went 4-1 and TDS pitchers 2-4 on the week. It was on offense that the game turned, with Mike LOWell (2-20) and JJ Hardly (3-23) among the Starlings contributing to a week-high 96 men left on base.


Naps 287.5 (4-6) @ Jackanapes 327 (5-5)
Before he was rightfully ejected from his Sunday game, Ted Lilly was on pace for a 27-strikeout, complete game, shutout performance. That effort would've given him a 53.5-point outing, and given the Naps a victory. At that point, Jeremy Accardo would've been packed up with his -1 performance for the Napes and sent to sleep with the other guys who give bad performances in ball games. Elsewhere for the Napes: Did Jermaine Dye? No, he just went 3-20. Did Bill Hall have more L's in his name or hits last week? Tie: 4 L's, and also a 4-20 week. How can you have a catcher on your team who gets outscored by Chris Iannetta? You can't - the Napes cut you Ramon Hernandez. Thanks for "playing."



____ ______ ______ _______
Thanks to all of you who sent in entries to participate in the "You Write The TWIDCBA" contest. Unfortunately, the number of emails received was so large that I still haven't gotten to many of them, and wouldn't be able to until later in the week. Hopefully, my assistant and I will be afforded more time to go over them next week, so if you want to try again with this week's games, that address is dcbabids@gmail.com . Thanks for your interest and good luck.

TransAction Mondayish

Elijah Dukes -- rising to No. 25 out of all qualified Center Fielders...with a bullet.





Making trades left and right, the Naps woke up and realized they had some roster holes to fill. And what better filler is there than the three amigos: Salty, Izzy, and Shooter. Fun facts about Salty, or, Jarrod Saltalamacchia ($1): He has the longest last name in MLB history (14 letters); his name backwards is Aihccamalatlas Dorraj; he is married to his former high school teacher; he's a catcher. Rickie Weakwrists was dropped for Salty.

Izzy, or, Jason Isringhausen ($2) was signed for this third tour of duty this season on his third separate team. I could say more but why?

Shooter, or, Elijah Dukes ($1) rounds out the pick-ups. Dukes, as you may or may not know, was in the news recently as his wife sought a restraining order against him. He allegedly sent her a text message including a photo of a handgun. And left her the following voice mail:

Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. Nigger, all I know is, nigger, when I see your motherfucking ass riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your motherfucking house.

Dukes is eligible at CF. I ain't even bullshitting. LF too, dawg. He's coming on like gangbusters. He's firing on all cylinders. Here he comes, great guns.

With a questionable A-Ram and a questionable Gui-Ram, All the Wrong Cubs had no choice but to burn a couple bucks: $1 on Eric Chavez and $1 on Orlando Cabrera. Both were inserted into the starting line-up. Both will make ATWC pray for the health of Aramis and Carlos. Johnny Estrada and Adam Wainwright were dropped to make room.

The Jackanapes rotate in another subpar RP, this time trying Alan Embree ($1) on for size, dropping Jeremy Accardo, whose size -1 shoes were a little too small. Bengie Molina ($1) also was picked up to take a ride on the Catcher-Go-Round. Where he gets off, everybody knows: the DL. Speaking of, Ramon Hernandez was dropped off at the local hospital to make room for Bengie.

The Savage Sickos spent $2 for the red-hot Sean Casey Kotchman, possibly hoping to bench the season-long slumpin' Konerko. But as luck would have it, Kotchman was immediately deemed "a bit of an injury-risk for Fantasy Week 11 (June 11-17)" by CBS Sportsline. There's always next week. Felipe Lopez, who it might surprise you like it did me to learn has been on the Sickos the entire time, was dumped.

'Da Infidels, fresh off their first victory of the season despite Nate & Hayes Robertson's cool -6 on the week, dumped the aforementioned Robertson to pick up Orlando Hernandez ($2) who has two starts this week. Good luck with that.

Daniel Cabrera ($3) was snapped up by the Slipstream Starlings and was immediately inserted in the starting line-up, probably having more to do with his 2-starts this week than anything else. Cliff Lee was dropped, probably having more to do with his 9.94 points per game start than anything else.

And finally, The Consummate Bastards paid Phil Hughes money+ for the Tigers' top prospect Andrew Miller ($15). Miller, who won in his recent call-up start on Sunday, pitching 5.1 IP, giving up 4 ER and striking out 5 is due for, at minimum, one more start at the major-league level. Or more. Hopefully more. We all can't wait to see him live up the hype of being the next Gil Meche or Jamey Wright.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are usually graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week. However, this week, like last week and the week before, CJ couldn't be bothered. No big loss, if you ask me, which you didn't.

TransAction Thursday

Sean Marshall and Jeremy Guthrie? FINALLY. Well done, ATWC, well done, and it only cost $2 per. Eddie Renteria (SS-ATL) was dropped in anticipation of Carlos Guillen returning from the Land of The Bench next week, and Michael Jeffrey Suppan (SP-MIL) was shown the door because April's a distant memory now and the future's looking grim.

My thoughts on these acquisitions?



Damn you for making me write about Alan Embree twice, Naps, especially when he never even made the active lineup. Ty Wigginton and his many positions and sub-standard batting average take his place on the bench, at least until Monday morning. Chris Iannetta and his Tools of Incompetence were sent packing COD for Mike Napoli, who may or may not be a real player on a team with the most fake name in the land. You may have heard that Greg Maddux won his last start without striking anyone out. Was he throwing lefthanded? I bleev Naps bleev so. Authentic southpaw Kei Igawa, who struck out 9 in his last minor league outing, fails to live up the Naps' high standards required of pine-riders. (Each of these three transactions cost exactly $1 too much.)

My thoughts on these acquisitions?

TWIDCBA: Nine

If you're playing with your head up your ass, this is a good play. Otherwise, not so much.

Does it appear to you that some teams get the short shrift in these weekly recaps? Does it appear that these columns are mailed in? If you think so, and would like to give those unheralded teams their proper due, you may be interested in mailing in your ideas to win the new contest - "Guest TWIDCBA Writer of the Day." Do you have what it takes? (If you do, let me know, I could use "it.") The prize package includes, among other things, the opportunity to see your work published here as well as receiving a TWIDCBA salary. To enter, please send your recaps to: dcbabids@gmail.com prior to the Tuesday of the following week. Best of luck!

Not So Fragile Flowers 388.5 @ The Consummate Bastards 354

Weeks 1-8: 51 HR. (~6/week). Jack Cust, week prior to being acquired: 5 HR (~5/week). Since acquisition: 3 HR (~1/week). Jason Giambi: injured after hitting a HR (~no more/week). The longball has not been kind to NSFF until now, but in week 9, the Fraggles managed to more than double their average output in knocking out 13 HR. Despite minimizing the damage on the offensive side with 13 HR of their own, the CoBa Kais were unable to finish them on the pitching side, where it was the Fraggles and their Cy Young class of pitchers (Schilling, Webb, Zito - but not C.Young) who showed no mercy, with a 1.83 ERA and 50k in 49 IP leading them to victory, making it the best start after 9 games in team history (2-7 in 2006, 3-6 in 2005).

Jackanapes 230.5 @ Slipstream Starlings 380.5

The Napes had more steals and more walks than the SliStars, while Ramon Hernandez and Ian "Mach" Snell combined for nearly 1/3 of the Napes' points. Bartolo Colon, given yet another chance, ruins the SliStars' chance to claim their 3rd high-point-total-of-the-week award. Since winning the Cy Young Award in 2005 (21-8, 222 IP, 3.48 ERA), Colon has put up the following numbers in the 2 years since: 6-7, 106 IP, 5.26 ERA.

Savage Sickos 354 @ The Darned Sox 378

While Michael Barrett likes to fight with musclemen, and Alex Rodriguez likes tight-muscled she-men, none of that had any bearing on the outcome of the contest this week. The difference in the scoring can be accounted for by the fact that TDS had more runs, homers, and rbi than the SaSis. Higher slugging percentages than Adam Dunn since May 15: Cristian Guzman, Ichiro Suzuki, Alex Gonzalez, and 75 out of 90 other players with more than 75 plate appearances.

Naps 301.5 @ Festivus Miracles 341

Naps - C + 2b = 3 points.

FM - C + 2b = 69 points.

It's that simple.

All the wrong Cubs 334 @ Da Infidels 267

Da Infidels, DCBA Recordbreaker. How did they achieve this mark?

• Player/2007 Rank/2006 Rank
  Ivan Rodriguez (5th) (6th)
  Ryan Howard (16th) (1st)
  Robinson Cano (11th) (7th)
  Troy Glaus (12th) (6th)
  Rafael Furcal (12th) (6th)
  Jason Bay (2nd) (3rd)
  Alfonso Soriano (13th) (1st)
  Ichiro (6th) (7th)

So we can see that it wasn't a failure to acquire talent, it was a failure of talent to acquire points. That and the "home-field advantage" rule. Lookout, second half!

TransAction Monday

Watch out, Jered Weaver, there's another long-haired Dirtbag begging to be socked in the jaw following you into the Majors. But this Dirtbag isn't from Long Beach State. He's just a dirtbag high school kid with nasty stuff named Homer.




Homer Bailey, 12th Round Fantasy Pick (The Consummate Bastards, Pick 113), later dropped for B.J. Upton, now claimed for $4 by The Darned Sox, is reportedly poised to make his MLB debut for the Reds on Saturday. And the world is a-twitter. Just like it was for the debuts of Phil Hughes, Tim Lincecum, Kevin Slowey, Yvoni Gallardo. Then we all yawn and turn out the light. Click.

As usual, let's take a look at what one collection of eggheads thinks of Bailey's future. BaseballProspectus's player comps for Homer Bailey: Jake Peavy, Rich Harden, Scott Kazmir, Carlos Zambrano, Matt Cain. Damn. Nice. I call for an immediate re-bid! I bid $5!

The kind-of injured and mostly struggling J.D. Drew was dropped for Homer. Also dropped by the The Darned Sox was the mostly-eh Greg Maddux. Paul Byrd ($1) was added to the roster in his stead. Byrd is quietly putting together a pretty solid year so far. He's over 15 points per game start (15.22), ahead of Jason Marquis (15.18) and just behind Matt Cain (15.31). But alas, Byrd, your season will soon turn, turn, turn back to normal: a time to suck, a time to issue a walk; a time to give up a dinger, a time to blow; a time to laugh, a time to weep.

Another big spender this week: the Jackanapes, shelling out $7 for 4 players. $3 of the $7 went towards the sloppy-seconded Garrett Atkins, while Chipper Jones was sent to frustrate someone else. I'm sure the Jackanapes won't find Atkins frustrating in the least. Right? RIGHT?!

The Jackanapes also cast in cast-off Jeff Francis for $2. "In his past six starts, Francis is 4-0 with a 1.74 ERA and has allowed eight earned runs in 44 innings." All it takes is a good write-up on CBS Sportsline and the Jackanapes will bite. One-time keeper Brett Myers was released to make room.

Also for the Jackanapes, Jeremy Accardo ($1) and Rafael Soriano ($1) are the latest losers pulled in to fill the sorriest bullpen in DCBA history. The rotting corpses of Todd Jones and Jason Isringhausen can be found on the nearest scrapheap...rotting like the rotten rotting rots they are.

The Not-So Fragile Flowers also made a couple of moves this weekend, picking up Casey Blake ($2) and Jason "Tek" Varitek ($1). Blake -- for those of you not paying attention (and this means you [no, not you...YOU]) -- had himself a 47 point week in Week 8, followed by a less spectacular but still solid 25 points in Week 9. In the immortal words of CBS Sportsline, "[Blake] has re-emerged as a must-start in all Fantasy leagues." He's also eligible at 1B, 3B, RF, Fungo Player, and Rent-a-Hunk.

Cap'n Tek, on the other hand, might not be burning-hot like Blake, but this tiger is still burning bright enough to make the ugly New England whores whoop and holler in their ugly New England whore voices about the fabulous way he fills out his uniform. Or something like that. (I clamp my hands over my ears whenever anyone from New England talks to me. Especially the whores.) In a fearful symmetry, CBS Sportsline sez re: Tek: "He has re-emerged as a must-start Fantasy option..." If anyone wants Julio "Smack Around" Lugo or Jason "Smack Abound" Giambi, this is your lucky week. The NSFF let 'em go.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. In a joke on me, or, frankly, on you, or even franklier (Mr. Shankly) on themselves, the Naps spent $5 on Jeff "Douchebag" Kent to fill the void left by Rickie Weeks's sudden and shocking trip to the DL. I'd look up the stats on Kent to help us understand this pick-up, but I can only get as far as CBS takes me: "Kent remains a must-start in all leagues heading into Fantasy Week 10." Douchebag doesn't have to re-emerge as a must-start! Douchebag never left the realm of must-start! In a move sure to leave a single, lonely tear streaming down the face of the Naps, Eff Thomas was shot forth into space, Spock-style, in a glistening tube, heading for planet Genesis. Live long and prosper, Eff Thomas; Live long and prosper.

Finally, in no particular order, let's explore the $1-hit wonders that filled out my goddamn inbox:

The Slipstream Starlings lost Shingo Takatsu [sic] to some sort of injury on Sunday afternoon and thus picked up Kevin Gregg to fill the hole. The extra G is for Gee, I Watched Him Close Out a Couple Games vs. the Cubs Last Week. (Bye-bye Claudio Vargas. Will you re-emerge as a must-never-start option?)

The Savage Sickos are hoping Josh Johnson returns from some sort of injury to his something or other that has made him miss the first two months of the season. Johnson will soon -- rumor has it -- re-emerge as a must-start in not just one fantasy format, but ALL fantasy formats. For the record, he's not the one from Crystal Lake. That's the other one. Olsen. (Bye-bye Braden Looper. I'll see you never.)

Hey! Brad Lidge! He's re-emerging, isn't he?! The Consummate Bastards must think so since they, you know, picked him up. (Bye-bye Daniel Cabrera. I'll see you...next week. If I have enough money and if the matchups are right and if you happen to have two starts.)

All the Wrong Cubs take a quick stab at Edgar Renteria, seeing as Carlos Gimpy is sitting with a sore groin. Renteria is hitting .333/.394/.519 on the year. I know this because I looked it up right now. I forgot he was even playing! ATWC didn't forget and their knowledge will be rewarded. Good find. Good luck. Good night. (Bye-bye Wandy Rodriguez. Please refund the $1 it took to roster you. ATWC will take foreign currency.)

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are usually graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week. However, this week, like last week and the week before, CJ couldn't be bothered. No big loss, if you ask me, which you didn't.

Z and Barrett