Starlings Perched On Top

Congratulations to Mr. Rob and his Slipstream Starlings squadron on their 2007 DCBA Championship.

Showing a cat-like sense of balance, the Starlings offset a disappointing year from keeper shortstop Miguel Tejada and an inconsistent season from 1st round pick Jeremy Bonderman with standout seasons from Matt Holliday and Josh Beckett. This impressive management enabled the Starlings to field a high-octane lineup that was able to accomplish a league-high 4 top performances during the regular season - and then carry on with 2 more in the playoffs.

Hear what I said? The leaders are them.

Congratulations to Mr. Brent and The Consummate Bastards for another fine season. At 0/4 in his playoff payoff as a GM, he's still one behind Billy Beane (0/5), but has a chance to overtake John Schuerholz (1/14), or perhaps with a good run tie Branch Rickey (4/8).

I'd also like to thank Commissioner Johnston and rookie TDS Hooker for their superlative work on this here league blog, contributing to an invaluable resource of statistics, insight and commentary that no doubt contributed directly to 9 of 10 teams not winning the championship.

Finally, if anyone has an extra Cubs playoff ticket....

Sailing to the Championship

While the battle between The Consummate Bastards and the Slipstream Starlings rages on to determine the third DCBA champion in three years, let us reflect on how they got here.

Matt Holliday (Week 24)
11-27
6 HR, 11 RBI
.407 avg/.500 obp/1.148 slg
59 points - most in the league this season


Alex Rodriguez (Week 24)
4-22, 4 1b
0 HR, 1 RBI
.182 avg/.308 obp/.182 slg
13 points - his lowest total of the year

FACT: No team has ever won the championship with Alex Rodriguez.

Good luck to Slipstream Starlings and The Consummate Bastards, certified ARod-free.

Playoff Watch - Final Edition

I look forward to anything and everything possibly happening between now and the final pitch Sunday night, but seriously, this is all over. Good season, everyone, but even better for these guys:

Congratulations, All The Wrong Cubs, on winning the Unstoppable Forces division, the only division to ever produce DCBA champions. Do them proud.

Savage Sickos, despite a late-season losing streak, have captured the slot of Wild Card #1. They'll be seeded #3 for the playoffs. 3 straight years in the playoffs, well done.

Slipstream Starlings, slow and steady the whole year, creep in the backdoor as Wild Card #2, seed #4. This will be the first appearance for them in the playoffs. Have a ball.

The matchups for the semifinal round look to be as follows:

All The Wrong Cubs (#1) vs. Slipstream Starlings (#4)
The Consummate Bastards (#2) vs. Savage Sickos (#3)

Having learned nothing from Dan Rather, the matchups for the final round will be:

The Consummate Bastards vs. Slipstream Starlings.

All of that is not written in stone, however, just a simple blogging program, but one thing is certain: Da Infidels hold the #1 pick in 2007 (unless they trigger the 2,000-point bonus).

Playoff Watch 2007 - The Final Week

For those of you who may have lost track, it's true - the The Consummate Bastards, with their defeat of the Savage Sickos in Week 22, have clinched a playoff berth.

Thus far, that is all that has been settled, as in the Unstoppable Forces Division, the Cubs and Flowers battle for control with the winner claiming the divisional title.

What does that mean for everyone else? It means that the Sickos, having lead in the points race for nearly the entire year, are all but guaranteed entry into the playoffs as a wildcard team, leaving room for only one other.

Who will it be? The odds at the moment favor the Slipstream Starlings, who hold a nearly 100-point lead over their next closest competitor.

My prediction: the Da Infidels score 1,000 points, triggering the much discussed but little known 1,000-point bonus, which places them as the 4th team in the playoffs. This also grants them the right to claim 5 players from each team to form a 'superteam.' The superteam scores 1,500 points in the first round of the playoffs, which causes the 1,500-point bonus to take effect. Unfortunately, the 1,500-point bonus prize is taking batting practice against Rick Ankiel, who beans Aamer. Aamer is unable to submit a lineup for the championship game and loses; Ankiel then forgets how to hit, and after 15 straight plate appearances where the bat travels farther than the ball, he retires. He then goes back to the minor leagues to become an umpire. During his very first game, he's forced to toss a manager from the game - and that manager travels 375 feet at 90 miles per hour.

Wild Card Standings -- as of 9/2/07

PLAYOFF PICTURE - UPDATED! - UNSTOPPABLE FORCES DIVISION

With their win over The Darned Sox last week, All The Wrong Cubs knocked out not only TDS, but also the only championship franchises the league has ever known, Jackanapes and Naps; and with Not So Fragile Flowers taking one on the chin, the Cubs are only 1 win away from clinching the division. UF division in the style of Longfellow: Two if by points, one if by record.


All the Wrong Cubs (14-7): vs. Miracles, at Flowers
Hold tiebreaker over: Jackanapes, Sox (Flowers TBD)

Can win the division if they finish 2-0 or 1-1 or, if the Flowers finish 1-1 the Cubs can finish 0-2 and still win the division.
If they finish 0-2, can the Flowers go 2-0, the Flowers win the division.

Not So Fragile Flowers (12-9): vs. Jackanapes, vs. Cubs
Hold tiebreaker over: (Cubs, Jackanapes TBD)

Can win the division if they finish 2-0 AND the Cubs finish 0-2.
If they finish 1-1/0-2, they cannot win the division.

Naps (11-10): at Sox, at Jackanapes
Hold tiebreaker over: N/A

Cannot win the division. In golf parlance, they are out 3&2.

The Darned Sox (10-11): vs. Naps, vs. Starlings
Hold tiebreaker over: N/A

Cannot win the division. A win last week vs. the Cubs would've kept it alive for at least 7 more days.

Jackanapes (10-11): at Flowers, vs. Naps
Hold tiebreaker over: N/A

Cannot win the division. A year after snagging the first overall pick, the Napes are now in line for pick #2. Can you say "Kosuke Fukudome?" No, really, can you?

PLAYOFF PICTURE - UPDATED! - IMMOVABLE OBJECTS DIVISION

Contrary to their representation of Immovable Objects, many changes have taken place since last week, as Slipstream Starlings knocked off perrenial front-runners Savage Sickos, placing the Starlings only one game in back of the frontrunners, which now includes The Consummate Bastards. The Festivus Miracles, despite a win, were officially eliminated from divisional contention, although they remain in the thick of the wildcard hunt. While the divisional title is the one sure way to get in, as of today, 4 of the top 5 scoring teams are in the division, and as many as 3 IO teams might wind up in the playoffs.

Savage Sickos (12-9): vs. Bastards, at Infidels.
Hold tiebreaker over: Festivi (vs. Bastards TBD)

Can win the division if they finish 2-0.
If they finish 1-1, they need to beat the Bastards (cannot lose to Bastards and win the division); they need the Starlings to go 1-1/0-2 (Starlings hold tiebreaker vs. Sickos).
If they finish 0-2, they cannot win the division.

The Consummate Bastards (12-9): at Sickos, at Festivi.
Hold tiebreaker over: Festivi, Starlings (vs. Sickos TBD)

Can win the division if they finish 2-0.
If they finish 1-1, they need to beat the Sickos (cannot lose to Sickos and win the division).
If they finish 0-2, they cannot win the division.

Slipstream Starlings (11-10): vs. Infidels, at Sox.
Hold tiebreaker over: Festivi, Sickos

Can win the division if they finish 2-0, the Sickos finish no better than 1-1, and the Bastards go 0-2 (Bastards hold tiebreaker vs. Starlings).
Cannot win the division if they finish 1-1/0-2.

Festivus Miracles (11-10): at Cubs, vs. Bastards.
Hold tiebreaker over: none.

Holding no tiebreakers against the three teams ahead of them in the standings, the Miracles have been mathematically eliminated. Hung out to dry, the Miracles now reside in bubbleland, but they're not quite ready to fold. At the end of Week 21, they sat 1 point out of the last wildcard slot. Week 23 grudgematch vs. Bastards is one to watch.

Da Infidels (2-19): Who will they take with the #1 pick in next year's draft? Will they trade it away again? Many questions surround the Da Infidels, some of which could be cleared up in the next installment of the Rusty Kuntz blog's "Getting To Know..." series. Stay tuned.

Wild Card Standings -- as of 8/26/07

Transaction de Monday

My name is Timmy Lupus and my favorite player is A-Rod.

It's the Little League World Series edition of Transaction de Monday. The final edition.


Leading off are the Naps who no longer see themselves circling the drain and seemingly intend on being contenders. A couple of rentals indicate this conclusion: Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe were acquired from the Darnedsox for picks in the fifth and seventh rounds in 2008, respectively. The Naps also dropped Mike Piazza (who was started this week in place of Jarrod Saltalamacchia and his 7 RBI game) and Texas DH Jason Botts. They then dropped the once glorious but ever ugly Todd Helton and picked up Jake Westbrook for $4.

My name is Mike Engelberg and my favorite player is Mo Vaughn.

I must admit I am a little grumpy tonight. Apparently, The Consummate Bastards were on eBay this evening with the intention of bidding big dough at the last possible moment on a guitar I'd been lusting after for weeks. In real life, as in fantasy life, TCBs got their man. At least in fantasy baseball, they can only keep five of their gems. This week, TCBs got a little bit of comeuppance--but not much--when the much-anticipated return of Edgar Reteria was thwarted in his first AB back from the DL. Replacing Renteria is Khalil "It ain't easy being Baha'i" Greene for $1. Greene's hitting only .246.

My name is Ahmad Abdul-Rahim and my favorite player is Henry Aaron.

The Darnedsox, obviously packing it in (see above), took theoretical pizza out of the mouths of DCBA members by dropping $5 on Tim Wakefield. Not only does this further implicate TDS in a Red Sox fetish, it suggests that he's too late: Wakefield is 8-2 in his last 10 starts, and that's bound to break sooner or later, right? Oh yeah, Wakefield's replacing Lowe. Or Pedro. Whichever one Wakefield isn't replacing gets replaced by Paul Byrd for $4. Say what you will about these moves. TDS are still handsomely funding that pizza party.

My name is Tanner Boyle and my favorite player is Billy Martin.

The Jackanapes moved Big Jim Thome to the dustbin, even among rumors that Ozzie Guillen might move him to the leadoff slot to get him extra ABs to help him hit his 500th HR, for Cincy 1B Joey Votto, $1. The Jackanapes are banking on Votto being a dazzling September call-up, obviously. Votto has yet to play in the Majors this year. The Jackanapes also signed Cameron Maybin The Burrito for $2. We're guessing there won't be room to keep this "future fantasy stud," so we should all give a collective thank you to the 'Napes for bringing this guy to our attention.

My name is Amanda Wurlizer and my favorite player is Wade Boggs.

It looks like All the Wrong Cubs get the eye candy tonight. It's only fair: They've suffered through the shit storm that has been Chris Capuano. CC started the year 6-0, but has since gone 0-11. **Shiver** This guy used to be keeper material. Replacing Capuano will be Esteban Loaiza for $2. Loaiza's a sure thing to improve on Capuano's spot (who couldn't?) Rumor has it that ATWCs are planning a Esteban Loaiza Guitar Lesson night sometime around Sept. 15th. Get your tickets now, gents. ATWC rotated Joel Pineiro back to the rear and brought Bengie Molina to the front, $1, to spell Joe Mauer. Tough luck having to replace a minor injury at the deadline.

A gift to all of you:

http://www.despardes.com/Entertainment/chanachoor/oct04/tatum-oneil-big.jpg

TransAction Thursday

How thin is the league at SS that The Consummate Bastards suffered through three months of Stephen Drew, a period in which he posted a line of .225/.297/.398. Or maybe it's not a question of a thin position but of stubbornness on the CB's part, wishing and hoping and praying for the Inner Drew Stud to emerge. (Maybe next year.) At any rate, Edgar Renteria ($1) -- coming off an ankle injury -- is a risky pickup for the stretch run, especially when there are real-deal-studs such as Bill E. Hall available on-the-block.

How thin is the league at RF that The Consummate Bastards suffered through four months of Delmon Young, a period in which he posted a line of .286/.317/402. Or maybe it's not a question of a thin position but of stubbornness on the CB's part, wishing and hoping and praying for the Inner Young Stud to emerge. (Maybe next year.) At any rate, Jeremy Hermida ($1) -- coming off a hip injury -- is a risky pickup for the stretch run, especially when there are real-deal-studs such as Jermaine Dye available on-the-block.

And recent pickup Edinson "Sleepy" Volquez gets dropkicked back to the pool whilst Andrew Miller ($1) is reeled in for another go-round. (Miller was signed by the CB's for $15 ["giggle," as they say], traded, and was dropped for Jason Botts.)

The Jackanapes waste no time in wasting more fantasy dollars in picking up Kurt Suzuki "Method" ($1) -- catcher for the Oakland Athletics. Suzuki is neither of great current value nor of great keeper value. Ramon Hernandez, who is neither of great current value nor of great keeper value was sent packing. Adiós, tú perdedor sin valor.

The Not So Fragile Flowers pay $3 to find out if Joel Zumaya has still got it, Fonz. The roster price -- Aaron Cook -- was negligible. Heading into the stretch run, it's a nice hedge against a Borowski implosion.

Playoff Watch - 2007

More mumbo-jumbo scenarios that will mean nothing come Monday when it's all hashed out.

Unstoppable Forces Division
The newly minted American controls his own fate here; will anyone be able to stop him? Would it be unpatriotic? Meanwhile, the Sox, Naps and Napes all find themselves in single-elimination land, and need the moon to be in Aquarius while the sun shines on the rings of Uranus. They're behind the 8-ball of the magic variety and it says: not bloody likely. And let's not forget the X factor in all of this, Michael X. Roberts - will his squadron wear the laurels or has he been handed a bouquet of pansies?


All the Wrong Cubs (13-7): at Sox, vs. Miracles, at Flowers
Hold tiebreaker over: Jackanapes, Sox (Flowers TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0.
If they finish 2-1: & beat the Flowers;
If they finish 1-2: & beat the Flowers;
If they finish 0-3: cannot win the division.

Not So Fragile Flowers (12-8): at Naps, vs. Jackanapes, vs. Cubs
Hold tiebreaker over: (Cubs, Jackanapes TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0.
If they finish 2-1: & beat the Cubs;
If they finish 1-2: & beat the Cubs & the Cubs finish 0-3 & the Jackanapes finish 2-1 or worse & the Sox finish 2-1 or worse & the Naps finish 2-1 or worse.
If they finish 0-3: cannot win the division.

The Darned Sox (10-10): vs. Cubs, vs. Naps, vs. Starlings
Hold tiebreaker over: Jackanapes, Flowers (Naps TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0 & the Cubs finish 0-3 & the Flowers finish 1-2 or worse.
If they finish 2-1/1-2/0-3: cannot win the division.

Naps (10-10): vs. Flowers, at Sox, at Jackanapes
Hold tiebreaker over: Cubs, Flowers (Sox TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0 & the Cubs finish 0-3 & the Flowers finish 1-2 or worse.
If they finish 2-1/1-2/0-3: cannot win the division.

Jackanapes (10-10): at Bastards, at Flowers, vs. Naps
Hold tiebreaker over: Naps (Flowers TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0 & the Cubs finish 0-3 & the Sox finish 2-1 or worse.
If they finish 2-1/1-2/0-3: cannot win the division.

Playoff Watch - 2007

Please to be noting this is merely the rundown of the scenarios to win the divisional title. Wildcard not included.

Immovable Objects Division

Savage Sickos (12-8): at Starlings, vs. Bastards, at Infidels.
Hold tiebreaker over: Festivi (vs. Starlings, Bastards TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0;
they finish 2-1 and beat the Bastards;
they finish 1-2 (beating the Starlings) and the Bastards go 1-2;
they finish 1-2 (beating the Bastards) and the Starlings go 1-2.


The Consummate Bastards (11-9): vs. Napes, at Sickos, at Festivi.
Hold tiebreaker over: Festivi, Starlings (vs. Sickos TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0;
they finish 2-1 and beat the Sickos, the Sickos finish 1-2/0-3;
they finish 1-2 and the Sickos finish 0-3.

Slipstream Starlings (10-10): vs. Sickos, vs. Infidels, at Sox.
Hold tiebreaker over: Festivi (vs. Sickos TBD)

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0, the Sickos finish 1-2/0-3 & the Bastards finish 1-2/0-3.

Festivus Miracles (10-10): at Infidels, at Cubs, vs. Bastards.
Hold tiebreaker over: none.

Can win the division if: they finish 3-0, the Sickos finish 0-3 & the Bastards finish 1-2/0-3 & the Starlings finish 2-1/1-2/0-3.

Da Infidels (2-18):
Elimidated, but can deliver Capitol Punishment and screw over the Festivi, Starlings and Sickos. They've played all year just. for. this. moment.

Transaction de Monday

Let us exhume a parade of transactions this period past:

The Consummate Bastards were active more than ever, so let's start with them. First of all, they dumped Adam Jones for SP Franklin Morales, who you'll know as Ritchie Valens' big bro in La Bamba. Morales is a "long-term keeper option." This goes to show you just how deeply TCBs plumb the Free Agent pool for prospects. The dude pitches in Colorado for God's sake. Even at $1, I call this half-thought. Also picked up was Edison Volquez who pitches in Texas when he's not stuck in Triple-A OKC, $1. WTF!?! Placido Polanco, $1, who sounds like a disease replaces Rickie "9 1/2" Weeks at 2B. Finally, TCBs traded for Carl Crawford and Scott Kazmir who for all I know may be Ted Williams and Bob Gibson because they play in Tampa, and I just can't keep up with that team. Those dudes came over from the...

Jackanapes who got Phil Hughes who the 'Napes originally signed for $11 [giggle], and was last picked up by someone else for a buck. Along for the ride is bigass badass CC Sabathia and some dude named Billy Butler who plays in KC, which is a little like Tampa in my book. I suppose I'll look up Butler for you. Hold on. It doesn't say much other than he's a long-term keeper prospect. Let one of those guys who pays for premium scouting reports tell you about him. All I know is that he was born after The Joshua Tree was recorded, which is just fucked up in my book. The Jacks also acquired Chocolate Melky Cabrera from the...

Not So Fragile Flowers who got Kelvim Escobar in return. This guy is for my money the most unpredictable of fantasy baseball commodities: Handsome in the K's, but rather sloppy in the W/L department. The present looks to be the exception. Let's see if anyone finds themselves forgetting his past win percentage next year. NSFF also picked up 1B Adam LaRoche, $1, for Buddy Carlyle, who as I suggested in a previous post, is an intolerable little turd.

All the Wrong Cubs' guardian angel has finally arrived in the form of Joel Pineiro, a two start starter, for Aaron Hill, 2B, who won't start any games at all. Also trading places were Jack Cust, $1, who replaced another guy with a weird last name--Ryan Garko. Cust is hot again. For some reason, When I hear "Jack Cust" I think "Brad Fullmer."

Let's finish on a positive note: The Savage Sickos, outbid at least one club and got Ubaldo Jimenez, $10, who pushed out the ever-tardy John Danks. How long will it take Danks to reach his potential? Right. Danks was a Ranger find. So was Todd Van Poppel and Bobby Witt. What is it about these young, bluechip pitchers and their weird-ass names? Yovani. Ubaldo. Homer.

Tip-top everyone!

Wild Card Standings -- as of 8/19/07

SEASON TRANSACTION DEADLINE

As you may or may not know, this weekend marks the end of trades and free agent pick-ups.

To quote from the 2007 Edition of the Rules...

"A trading deadline of 11:59 PM on Saturday, August 25, 2007 will be imposed. No trades will be allowed after this time. Additionally, an Add/Drop deadline of 11:59 PM Sunday, August 26, 2007 will be imposed. You may not bid on a Free Agent or drop a player from your roster after this time, except to replace an injured player on your roster. After the transaction deadline, in the event a starting player is placed on the DL, an owner may acquire a Free Agent on the condition that the Free Agent acquisition will be placed immediately (effective at the submission of the weekly lineup) into the starting lineup to replace the injured player."

Just a reminder that Fantasy Dollars cannot be carried over to next season.

Just a further reminder that you may want to keep a few fantasy dollars in your back pocket in case you need to make an injury replacement after the deadline.*

Just a further further reminder that you may only replace a player who has officially been placed on the DL by his team, as voted on by all of you.

*Please contact your two commissioners if (post-deadline) you need to make an injury replacement.

Deadline Dash

Have some disposable dollars?* Here's a look at some disposable numbers. Will these players keep up their performances and help your pennant push? Hell if I know. I'll just let the numbers speak for themselves; if I had any predictive powers I wouldn't be in last place.

Top Free Agent Pitching Performances: 7/16-8/16
Edwin Jackson, TB: 2-2, 30 1/3 IP, 2.37 ERA (84 pts.)
Tim Redding, WAS: 1-2, 39 IP, 2.54 ERA (92 pts.)
Josh Fogg, COL: 3-1, 31 IP, 2.61 ERA (72 pts.)
Kip Wells, STL: 3-1, 38 2/3 IP, 2.79 ERA (98 pts.)
Doug Davis, ARI: 4-0, 40 IP, 3.15 ERA (103 pts.)
Kason Gabbard, TEX: 3-1, 32 2/3 IP, 3.21 ERA (87 pts.)
Paul Maholm, PIT: 3-2, 32 2/3 IP, 3.31 ERA (84 pts.)
Jeff Weaver, SEA: 2-3, 34 1/3 IP, 3.41 ERA (85 pts.)

and the quite less exciting...

Top Free Agent Hitting Performances: 7/16-8/16
Josh Fields, CWS [3b]: 8 HR, 21 RBI (98 pts.)
Mark Ellis, OAK [2b]: 7 2b, 1 3b, 8 HR, 14 RBI (111 pts.)
Nate McLouth, PIT [LF, CF, RF]: 6 2b, 6 HR, 15 RBI (96 pts.)
Frank Thomas, TOR [DH]: 8 2b, 4 HR, 26 RBI (97 pts.)
Jacque Jones, CUB [CF, RF]: 12 2b, 2 HR, 23 RBI (101 pts.)
Pedro Feliz, SF [3b]: 8 2b, 4 HR, 21 RBI (104 pts.)
Geoff Jenkins, MIL [LF, RF]: 8 2b, 5 HR, 14 RBI (84 pts.)






*As stated in The Official DCBA Rules of 2007: "Budgets do not carry over to the next season. Any leftover funds will be collected by the commissioners to help defray the cost of a season-ending pretend pizza party."

TransAction Thursday + TransAction Thursday

Clay Buchholz
Born in Texas
Highly regarded Red Sox Prospect
Cost $3

The Darned Sox
Lives in Texas
Son of Sam Horn
Has $3

A match made in heaven.

"Don't Call Me Taylor" is reportedly on his way to the Big Boys Club for a Friday start, which is a highly anticipated event in New England and certain parts of Texas. The rest of you shall be forgiven for your yawns, shrugs, and 'huh?'s.

Going back to last Thursday lest I be publicly called-out a third time for lack of coverage...

'Da Infidels are the latest team to fall for Chris Duncan and his awesoma three-dolla powa, dumping Jarrod Washburn in the process. I don't think I can sum up Chris Duncan any better than the sponsor of his baseball-reference page:

"He hit the last cardinal HR at the last (and best) Busch Stadium, and had the first hit in the first baseball game in the new Busch Stadium, he's on the way to be one of the best!!! go cards!!!"

With Chris and Shelley Duncan in 'da fold, can Sandy be far behind?

And it wouldn't be a proper DCBA season without the Naps taking a flier on Jason "Ro" Botts ($2), who combines the sweet swing of an Adam Hyzdu, the body type of a Bucky Jacobsen, and the power potential of a Jon Knott.

TWIDCBA - Week 19

Rubbing up scuffed balls...how much worse can it get?

(Keep reading for a clue)

After a short hiatus (the WNBA people - the WNBA!), TWIDCBA returns for the stretch run. Cinch it up and strap it down.

All The Wrong Cubs 263.5 @ Naps 385.5
Record-breaker/baconator Bobby Jenks unable to deliver for division-leaders(t-1), but like the rain, more blame falls on the north side than the south, with Cubbies Lee, Ramirez, (and since-released) Marshall dropping the soap.
Naps pitchers manage to go 1-1 in Cubville, but it's Bucco Gorzellany stepping up in tribute to trademate Matsui, putting up a 55 on the week. Andruw Jones brings up the rear, leading one to speculate that the end is near. Fact: No Curacaoan has played in the MLB past the age of 31 (Randall "Sausage" Simon & Hensely "Bam Bam" Meulens).

Da Infidels 284.5 @ Not So Fragile Flowers 342.5
As luck would have it, the Da Infidels could've beaten two other teams this week, but this wasn't one of them. Despite out-homering the NSFF 8-3, DI weren't able to convert that advantage into a lead large enough to compensate for their pitching deficiencies. Jim Abbott could pitch with one hand, but Jason Hirsh can't pitch with a broken leg?
While some might question the virility of the team with a Casey, Kelly, Grady, Melky, Micah and Chris, the flaming Flowers have pulled off a 7-game winning streak to claim a share of first-place, the best record in the league & guaranteed their first winning season in franchise history. And they owe it all to Barry Zito, of course. You've got to spend money to make money.

Festivus Miracles 252.5 @ Savage Sickos 315.5
Seven pitchers in the starting lineup: 84.5 pts. 4 bench pitchers: 75.5. The Festivi caught no breaks this week, as their pitiful points production dropped them from 2nd in points to 5th, which would be on the outside looking in come playoff time. Brewer bomber Braun bore the load for the FM, leading all scorers.
The Sickos provided some drama this week with Johnny Danks starting off the week in line for 2 starts, then being scratched, then put in for a Sunday start, then being shelled. Rookies. Despite his pasting, however, he paced the staff with 23.5 points. If something crazy happens, I'll be sure to note it, but until then let's just assume that A-Rod led the Sickos' scoring. He did.

Slipstream Starlings 290.5 @ The Consummate Bastards 314.5
In Polish fantasy baseball, you score when you're on the bench, and put up goose eggs when you're in the starting lineup. This isn't Polish fantasy baseball, Troy Tulowitzki, it's the DCBA! Confirming the contention that pitching wins championships, the Starlings were sunk with a mere 5 starts on the week despite a league-high number of at-bats. If there's a hole in the boat, that boat is probably the Maine.
The CoBas 2 MVPs combined for a solid 20 points, but it stands to reason that the Kents are looking out for each other. In another notable development, Francisco Lirirano, who hasn't thrown a pitch this year, was not the low scorer. I repeat: not the low scorer. I didn't see the game, but maybe Yovani Gallardo was throwing with his left hand in tribute to him.

The Darned Sox 313.5 @ Jackanapes 308
In a statistical note of absolutely no significance, the The Darned Sox finally put a visiting team in the win column. The mojo of a returned Travis Hafner, despite his performing like the south end of a northbound pronkey, once again set the The Darned Sox right. Putting the The Darned Sox on his back was Magglio Ordonez, the $75MM player the White Sox couldn't afford, who batted .500 on the week to notch 50 points.
Jim Thome, the $85MM player the White Sox can afford, could not put the Jackanapes on his back - and I mean that literally as well as figuratively, such a balky back has he. And to tie it back to Ordonez to wrap things up, it was that Venezuelan piece of shit motherfucker Carlos Zambrano chipping in to sink the Jackanapes. Solving the equation, it appears that his "first" season started April 1, his "second" season started June 1, and it looks like he's now in season "three." Starting October 1, look out DCBA, Carlos will be back.

Transaction de Monday

Is anybody out there?

In the event that anyone really reads these things, I'll do this one last time until someone else pulls their weight.

The Consummate Bastards: Pick up Adam Jones for $1 and drop Eric Gagne who has stunk, stunk, stunk for the BoSox. No telling how well Jones will work out as a setup man. Rickie Weeks got called up by the Brewers and was promptly signed for $2. In the outgoing mailbox: Jeff Kent.

All the Wrong Cubs: Out: Sean Marshall. In: Freddy Sanchez, $1.

Jackanapes: Out: Milton Bradley. In: Anthony Reyes, $1.

Da Infidels: Out: Al "wish I was my brother" Reyes. In: Rick Ankiel. No telling if Rick's going make up for his previous shenanigans by drawing walks. $2. Clearly enthusiastic about the breaking of the gender line in Major League Baseball, the Infidels axed Jason Hirsh and bought Shelley Duncan for $3. No telling if that'll get the Infidels a half and half or an around the world, but with bated breath, the DCBA will watch.

Transaction de Monday

As they near the end, they hope, they pray, for a .338 lifetime hitter.

I may or may not cover what the guy who is supposed to write on Thursday missed. I can't be busy to look at a calendar and see whose job it was. I'm too pissed to do too much detective work tonight. There's a certain Bastard to blame.

TRADE!!!

Looking for setup man relief, the Consummate Bastards obtained Eric "He Wins" Gagne from the Darned Sox. The Sox get Lastings Milledge. My scouting report says that if Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano had engaged in unprotected lovemaking, they could have birthed Milledge. Advantage: Bastards.

TRADE!!!

The emphasis was on fantasy in the not-so-fantastically-named DCBA this week. Reversing a trade that went down in June, The Darned Sox send half their team back to the Naps for slugger Travis Hafner. That half team includes: Hideki Matsui, Todd Helton, and Tom Gorzelanny. How can three players constitute half a starting nine, you ask? Well, that's because you're forgetting to convert to Japanese Yen. A little perspective: The Naps were 5-4 before the trade and 4-4 afterward. TDS were 6-3 before and 1-7 after. Advantage: Everyone who played the Sox between those two trades.

Even those who were too timid to trade souls down at the crossroads weren't so chickenshit not to go tinkering with their lineups:

The Naps, in order to make room for the influx of talent--the double agents they sent to the Darned Sox--set free 7th inning man Hideki Okajima and drunk driver Scott "Nellie" Olsen. Gagne and Gorzellany make better than adequate replacements. Grade: WTF

In a coup that lives true to his team name, The Consummate Bastard absolutely buttfucked The Darned Sox sneaky plan to bid for Francisco Liriano at $1. TDS, too, bid $1, certain that this would stick in many a craw of the DCBA as much as pay dividends next year. TCBs dropped TDS draftpick Chris Duncan to make room. Grade: A++ or Fu, depending on where you stand.



The Darned Sox, their manager with that sinking hot feeling going through his body as though he just got called to the principle's office, can only guess that in his haste to pick up Liriano and feel good about sniping the league put Johnny Damon ahead of Liriano in his free agent 'wishlist' thingy. Fool me once, shame on The Consummate Bastards. Always, shame on them. $1 for Damon. Grade: C--

"Movin' right along..." All the Footloose and Fancyfree Cubs made room for Twins SP Scott Baker by not waiting for something better to come along from Jason Jennings who stunk it up to the tune of 11 runs in .2 IP. ATWC would have been justified in picking up Rick Ankiel to replace Jennings in the rotation. $2. Grade: B-.

The Jackanapes, determined to spend every last fantasy dollar, and maybe some Monopoly cash if the league'll let 'em, picked up SS qualifying CF Bill Hall to replace Edgar "Tough Break" Renteria who almost broke his ankle. Renteria was chooglin' along and was quietly putting together an outstanding season as SS go. Tougher break for the Jacks who are now in contention after early season struggles. $1, because the Jacks don't have many more. Grade: B, for necessity.

The Not So Frageelay Flowers made two moves to start the week: Newly minted Texas Ranger Kason Gabbard was sent packing for Micah Owings. Gabbard must've felt like he was on Cloud 149 pitching for the Red Sox compared to the lowly Rangers. Sportsline says he's a solid start in deeper mixed leagues. I've seen too many Ranger games to be this hopeful. My advice to Kason is to lay off the clubhouse water, carry garlic cloves, and rabbits' feet. Texas is where pitchers come to die. $1. NSFF's patience with true setup men proved fragile when they dumped relatively new Flower Scot Shields, who's been shitty since the break. Replacing Shields will be Melky Cabrera to the tune of $1. Cabrera dodged a bullet by not being obviated at the real trade deadline and has been stellar the last few weeks. Nice pick up. Grade: B-

TransAction Friday

Please allow me to introduce myself: I'm a man of no wealth and a fat face. I might not get called up for a long, long time, but the CoBas have money to waste. I have the body type of Bobby Jenks after eating a side of beef. Or maybe I'm more Wickman-like, either way just call me "Chief."

Pleased to meet me.

Won't you guess my name?

Anyone? Anyone? Who is this guy?

If you guessed "Joba Chamberlain" it's only because you're the GM of the Consummate Bastards.

Otherwise, you are like 99.3% of Fantasy Baseball Players, Non-Yankee Fan Division and have no idea who this dude is.

Well let's see what we can find out about the chubby guy, aside from the "cost $1 fantasy dollar" and "took Derrick Turnbow's roster spot" items.

• His father is of Native American descent (Winnebago Tribe)
  
• His birth name was Justin
• He went 10-2 with a 2.81 ERA for the 2005 Nebraska Cornhuskers
• He was drafted by the Yankees at No. 41 in the 2006 amateur draft
• Pre-season 2007, he was ranked at the 4th Best Yankee's Propsect and 75th Prospect Overall by Baseball America
  
• According to the Lincoln Nebraska Star Journal, Joba could be called up by the Yankees as soon as today (8/3) to pitch out of the pen

Another gutsy move by the Consummate Bastards. And by "gutsy" I mean, "Chamberlain is fat."

Transaction de Monday

I'm tapped out for witty quotes. Here's a nice picture of Dizzy Dean.

For a bunch of hippies, there sure was a lot of fight in the Not So Fragile Flowers this week. Despite edging out the Slipstream Starlings on the scoreboard, they decided to bolster their pitching by adding ex-Darned Sock ace setup man Scot "Deflector" Shields. TDS are rumored to have been so desperate lately, they might just have traded Shields for NSFF castoff Mark Teahen and saved the $1 pickup fee. Also out is Kenny Rogers, who got hisself on the DL with an elbow. How much longer is this guy going to play? one wonders. [I once personally witnessed him pitching in a Rangers' father/son/daughter game before a real game, and I must say, his underhand dealings to the kids weren't that much slower than his overhand dealings to the men the night before.] He's replaced by Aaron "Kiss the" Cook for $1. Rating this week's moves according to baseball movies, I give these a Major League II.

Let us not forget the Jackanapes, those impudent lil' turds. Two moves: Shutdown ace Randy Johnson was flushed for clubhouse cancer Milton Bradley. The Jacks won Bradley for a $1, but only because another team--I'm not saying which one, Gary--bid 75 cents. The Jacks are determined to go down fighting and dropped Manuel Corpas after using him only for his body for a week and throwing him out like yesterday's trash. Poor Manny. It's not like he didn't put out. He pitched in 20.5 points this week to help the Jacks rout the Sickos. Coming in is probable closer Brett "Quag" Myers. Let's see if the Jacks can keep this boy toy longer than a week. These moves I deem: Long Gone

Ah-ooh, The Slipstream Starlings left reeling from the loss of superstar Chase Utley had to do something. They dropped Ervin "Black Magic" Santana and picked up Orlando "Bloom Ernie" Hudson. [For give me, that was a reach, but this week was a tough one.] Price $1. The memories: about $1.19 a pound. I rate this: Little Big League, which is only slightly better than that Brighten the Corners miscarriage that was "Blue Hawaiian."

Rumors coming out of Texas say The Darnedsox, losers of their last 6, may be ready to sell off key franchise pieces to contenders for even the most irrelevant of future considerations. Hoping to better a weak schedule for their 'real' pitchers, TDS signed two-start belly-itcher Jeff "Chicken Shit" Suppan for a buck. Sportsline says he's seriously trying to get his season back on track. That's good. It'd have been a mistake to pick him up if he was frivolously or snarkily trying to get his season on track. Please, God, make it stop! This looks like it might be an unwatchable Scott Backula-laden Major League III: Back to the Minors.

The Consummate Bastards outbid another team above with $3--again, I can't say which one, but I know it's a darned fact that they almost thought about almost bidding $2--for flashy LF Lastings "Gets Good" Milledge. Off like a prom dress is Pat Neshek, who was only gotten a week or so ago for $3. A king's ransom for a middleman in a league that doesn't use middlemen. I call this one Bull Durham. But mostly the lamer, second half of the movie, after all the baseball and the relationship shit starts up.

The Savage Sickos. What can we say about them that hasn't already been said? Well, for one, they picked up Naps cast-off John Danks for $3. We'll see if this pans out. Danks hasn't been too bad lately. We'll see how long the Sickos' patience lasts on this, as this can only be a move for the future. Out is the perennially broken Bartolo "Stinky" Colon. Color this: The Sandlot III.

TransAction Thursday

Over the SPAN of the first half, Circling the Drain took many NAPS. But recently, the team has SNAPped out of it and gone on quite the spending spree. Picks or PANS? Only Commissioner Johnston knows. And he will share with you. Right now...

Life Outside the Diamond is a Wrench
Before eloping with Circling the Drain ("CtD") and sailing around the world (where CtD will be the Ferdinand to his wayward girl) Mike Piazza hops on the playing field for $2. Long-coveted by CtD, Piazza cuts a fine figure squatting behind the dish, beckoning the pitcher with his curly eyelashes, his slender fingers going through a complicated array of signals that when stripped down to their very essence communicate nothing more than, "Whatever you have to pitch at me, I will catch to the best of my ability." And that's only as a DH!

CtD says, "I'm done with Sergio. Batters treat him like a ragdoll."

Piazza: PICK

Two-Buck Pat
"He is back folks [sic]," touts CBS Sportsline. He being Pat Burrell ($2). And as illustrated by this photo, he is back, indeed...all back.
But all Piazza-inspired HomoEro aside, Burrell's been hitting .419/.545/.581 since the break. There's hot talent out there, people. You just have to know where to look, like CtD does. Just follow the big black arrows.

CtD says, "Mr. Jones and me look into the future and stare at the beautiful women. And they don't like minor leaguers. DROP."

Burrell: PICK

Crystal Lake Southie
There's nothing like the smell of freshly tasered Marlin circling the drain and clogging up the sink. Scott Olsen ($1), who attended Crystal Lake (IL) South High School, which, if you can believe it, is full of even more stoners than WoodCoHigh [Hi, Gary; or should I say "High," Gary.], is a surprise pick-up by CtD. Surprising not because CtD's players are upstanding citizens and all-around-good guys [they aren't; in fact, it's the biggest collection of cheats, cons, and assholes on DCBA record], but surprising in that Olsen blows chunks. When he's drunk. And eluding police. And getting tasered. And spending the night in jail. And all that.

CtD says, "Danke Schoen, darling Danks a shame."

Olsen: PAN

Not that today's column is exclusively about CtD. There were certainly other significant transactions last night. The most significant being 'Da Infidels picking up Miguel Batista ($1). Batista isn't a monumental pick-up and Dan Johnson isn't a tremendous loss, but the fact 'Da Infidels logged on to the site is monumental news! Welcome back/home, sir. I guess a couple of victories renews interest in our national electronic pastime.

I've saved the most exciting pick-up for last because, well, it's the most exciting. This pick-up marks the first time in DCBA TransAction history that we have a Wheel-of-Fortune-like 'Before and After' on the incoming and departing player: Chris Duncan Hunter Pence. Fucking brilliant, you consummate bastard, you. Best. Pick-up. Ever.

Transaction de Monday

Unhappy managers make lots of moves!!!

Coming to you live from my first time using Firefox here. Unlike the Clint Eastwood super plane, it does not obey my thoughts.

There was a ton of movement early Monday morning. As such, my evaluation method will be based on whatever I feel like at the time. I want to get back to reading Harry Potter.

All the Wrong Cubs made three earth-shaking moves: First up, nicked up super control pitcher Randy "Hungry Like the" Wolf got dumped for Ryan "Donnie" Garko for $1. Also on his way out was Orlando Hudson in order to make way for Aaron "Hamburger" Hill. The price was right at $1. The tertiary move--I wanted to drop "tertiary" in tonight--was the replacement of the mercurial Rich Harden with Joe Saunders, SP for the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, $1.



Not ones to stand pat, the Savage Sickos pulled out some sadistic shit too. Getting the axe, was White Sox hero Jose Contreras who will be replaced with Lenny DiNardo for $1. Getting axed to leave was broke down ace Chris Carpenter. This one hurts. He's going under the knife and'll likely be out until around this time next year... if he's lucky. Taking his place in the rotation is ace RF Nick Markakis, the Greek god of crab cakes, or possibly just crabs, for the price of $1. That he's out 12 months has gotta hurt in a keeper league. Hold a good thought for the Sickos.



The Slipstream Starlings ditched SS JJ Hardy who has been sputtering of late. The Lesson: Sell high, gentlemen. Hardy came out of the gates like gangbusters and might have been used to take some poor schmo--like me--to the cleaners. Now, his replacement is some Devil Ray 1B about whom Chris or Al made look good in the first half recap. His name, Carlos Pena. His price, $1.



Not one to disappoint us by not digging up the most obscure possible finds, The Consummate Bastards made a couple of moves, one absolutely breathtaking. First, the extramundane: Season-long underachiever (.212) Rickie "Nine and Half" Weeks got cut to make room for Jeff Kent, who's coming out of retirement. If I understand this correctly, Kent has a bit of history with a certain DCBA manager. I don't know if that's this manager, but what the hell. I can't imagine anyone else bid on Kent, though he is a solid performer at a shaky position. TCBs overpaid at $3. Still, a good pick. Not happy with Weeks' hair apparent [$2 DCBA to the first one to get that reference.], TCBs dropped Howie Kendrick who inconveniently found his way onto the DL just when TCBs' patience with Weeks wore out. In to replace him at backup 2B is middleman Pat Neshek, a Scot Shields clone who actually has better numbers than Shields, but not as many points. Pity, TCBs should've rung because Shields could've been theirs.



After an afternoon of doing the math to find out they were mathematically beaten by the fuckin' Infidels, The Darned Sox took their blankie and prized World B. Free Fleer card into the dog's kennel to curl up in a fetal position, sob, and do some soul-searching. Being 8-8 at this point wouldn't sting so much if it didn't include a 5 week losing streak. One capped by a team with one win to its name and apparently forsaken by its manager. I mean really... Proposals to a certain team this week rudely went unanswered or counteroffered even though they concerned players On the Block and addressed stated needs. I won't name the team, but I'll give you a hit: The team names sounds like Best of Us Empiracals. Still, something needed to be done. Anything needed to be done. Sputtering SP Matt Morris, his velocity down, his prescription to Levitra expired, got zipped up and put away in favor of short-term Hanley Ramirez (dislocated shoulder) insurance policy Jason "President" Bartlett. The price: $2. One dollar for the player, and one dollar for despiration's sake. Dropped simply because his manager was cruising the free agent pool with all the discretion of a drunk sailor port-calling in Bangkok was Scot Shields. Why TDS stuck with Shields no one can say. It's one of those dysfunctional relationships you see on TV, where one spouse with a black eye says about the other with the busted lip "I still love him." In to replace Shields in the imaginary bullpen is Florida Marlins closer Kevin Gregg who should've been a Darned Sock long ago, if you ask me. This happened for the bargain basement price of $2. Apropos that "Bridge Over Troubled Water" just started playing on my iTunes. Now taking odds on whether TDS make the playoffs.



"Bringing up the rear" are the Not So Fragile Flowers who had a productive week, so I don't know why they're bellyachin'. First pickup was Kason Gabbard, the guy from Death Cab for Cutie who is currently replacing Curt Schilling in the Red Sox rotation. Gabbard's been solid, so don't be surprised if the Sox take their time with Schilling, and Gabbard hangs on for the NSFFs for a few weeks. Apparently, the NSFF went to the Darned Sox School of Fantasy Baseball Free Agent Bidding. $2. Anyone bid $1 on Gabbard? I promise you won't be called a schmuck. Gabbard takes Kevin Slowey's place in the rotation. Slowey is bringing up the rear in the All-Bad Name For a Pitcher category, just behind, David Riske, Homer Bailey (WTF?), Woody Williams, Braden Looper, et al. Slowey's back down on the farm, but look for someone to possibly pick him up if they're out of it and hold on to him for next year. Finally, NSFFs padded their pitching by dropping Micah Owings who both has a dumb first name and even dumber-looking facial hair. I saw it for myself during the Cubs game yesterday on WGN. He's struggled to make it through the 5th inning of most games. Perhaps a training regimen of shaving every other day from 120 feet in the outfield would build up some arm strength. Oh yeah, the guy replacing him is none other than Little Buddy Carlyle, the little freckle-faced fucker who used to wrap your houses back in middle school, purveyor of wet willies, Texas titty twisters (AKA purple hermans), and the guy who would pull that little locker loop ("fag tag") off the back of your shirt. He pulled down your sister's training bra during the pep rally. He turned his eyelids inside out and made the Jackanapes barf during lunch. Sportsline says he's come out of nowhere. We all know that to be a lie. He got out of the can. Sprung for $2. Now, he's blessed with the magical waters that flow through the Atlanta Braves pitching department. Life's a bitch.



Addendum

It has come to our attention that in the flurry of activity, the Jackanapes also made a move. Manny "the Body" Corpas, relief ace of the Colorado Rocky's was had for $1. Habeas has converted five saves in as many chances. His quest to convert more saves than chances remains thwarted by the rule about not being able to pitch yourself into a save situation, but he's young, has big dreams, so let's not tell him that. Manual replaces Rafael "the Lesser" Soriano who's taken a turn for the awful. Could you trust a face like his to not be befuttled on the Atlanta bump?



Well, better late than never, Jackanapes. But color me Raffy Soriano for the mistake.

Transaction Thursday

The quality goes in before the name goes on. Like it or Lumpp it.

Good day, fellow DCBAers. Gary from the Savage Sickos here. Chris is on vacation, so he asked that I fill in for him today and cover Transaction Thursday. I warned him that since I’m not a numbers guru like himself it would suck, but here I am. So get ready for some shallow analysis of free agent pick-ups that will most likely have zero effect on game play, but at least give Brent and Alan something to do other than trade nobodies to each other once a week.

However, I’d like to try a little something different. Rather than scour the CBS profile pages, I’d rather use something I’m more used to: my PS2 copy of MLB06: The Show. Now granted this fine game is a year out of date, and it takes place the season after the White Sox won the World Series, but I figure – how much could players have changed over a season and a half?

First Up: The Consumate Bastards offer the most visual of the trades, giving us Rickie “I’m having an episode” Weeks getting yanked off the trash heap. Many a catcher and umpire have feared getting caught up in the whirling dervish that is Rickie’s batting stance, but that won’t stop the Bastards from giving him a shot. According to MLB06, second baseman Rickie is a “Quality player. Recognized as a cut above the rest.” Although he doesn’t have a single “A” on his report card – 4 B’s and 2 C’s. We call that “senior year in high school” where I come from. And despite being a “cut above,” the good folks at Sony think he has the “ Potential to be a good player – but not great.” That’s why you were a fantasy free agent in July 2007, Rickie. My favorite note: “Hitting is well below major league average (less than .250).” Rickie’s current average: .220. Video games – is there anything they can’t do? Getting the ol’ heave-ho is SP Clay Buchholz (two H’s – I can relate), who I can’t even find in the game. Since the guy just got the call up from Double A to Triple A, I’m guessing the Bastards thought he was a reaalllllyyy long-term keeper.

Secondly: Circling the Drain decides to give starting pitcher Sergio “My name is cooler than yours” Mitre a shot since he’s been lasting into the 8th inning lately. DCBA says he’s got a sub 3.00 ERA, which sounds impressive. But what about MLB06? Well, according to their wisdom he’s “Solid, but nothing more than that.” Which is funny, since he scores 5 B’s and one C – better than our “cut above the rest” Rickie Weeks. Looking back to 2005 poor Sergio was carrying around a 5.37 ERA, so I don’t blame the video game folks from not getting their hopes up. The guy does have an odd fifth pitch in his arsenal – a sinker. If he’s anything like me he uses that R1 button on the rarest of occasions. Like when facing Rickie Weeks. Of course I can’t find SP Scott Baker anywhere in the game, which is why he got dumped in favor of Sergio.

Thirdly: Unlike the previous two teams, who only risked a buck each on their free agent follies, the Savage Sickos dropped two big ones to pick up an even bigger free agent. And yes, that’s a lame fat joke. According to MLB06, they picked up a “Superstar pitcher. Unflappable, tough, and a proven winner” in Bartolo Colon. Um. Hmm. Video game guys, I think you might have dropped the ball with this one. Like we all wish Bartolo would drop a few pounds (ouch, a second bad fat joke). Do The Bartman has been sucking as of late – he’s lost 5 of 6, ERA almost as big as he is (6.38 – and yes, a three-fer in bad fat jokes), and his last three fantasy weeks offered up 11, 0, and –2 points respectively. Why oh why would the SaSi's pick up a…oh, wait, he’s a two start pitcher next week. And they dumped Scott “Hot-head” Olsen to get him. Olsen might have been one of the rookie phenoms on the Marlins starting rotation last year, but this year he’s su-ucked. Where was the lefty on MLB06? The Marlins’ second best RELIEF pitcher, who “is probably below average.” Amen to that, brother.

So there you have it, the mid-week transactions for third week in July. Me, I’m gonna go back to my video game, where after simulating 2006 I was able to pick up Albert Pujols AND A-Rod in free agency and am coasting to a hundred-plus win season. If only fantasy baseball online could be as unbelievable as fantasy baseball on my PS2…

TransAction Monday

The league had three movements Monday morning.

#1) Circling the Drain bet $1 on Brad Lidge regaining his job closing for the 'Stros. If the Astros' TV crew is correct in their assessment from his appearance in Friday's game, he should be back closing in the next week or so. Lidge's numbers since his early season belly flop and demotion have been outstanding. But there was that little trip to the DL. Jeff Kent was put out to pasture and BJ "Bang-Bang" Upton takes over permanent duties at second for the Drain. I give this an:



#2) The Savage Sickos, ever impressed with astute baserunning, picked up Adrian Beltre for $1. Beltre's been on the come for the last three weeks. Sportsline says he's a second-half player. Last year this was certainly the case. Off like a prom dress is Casey Kotchman who was brained by a Russel Martin pickoff attempt. My thoughts after typing them into Google images and settling on the lowest common denomonator:



#3) The Festivus Miracles picked up Wandy Rodriguez for $1, putatively before today's meltdown against the Cubs (He blew a five run lead). Previous to that, W-Rod was stellar in his last two starts against the Rockies and Mets, respectively. Pirate prospect Bryan Bullington was dropped to make room. My thoughts:

Transaction Thursday

We only have two teams preparing for the second half.

First up, The Naps, er, The Drain Circlers were the most active with two (2) moves: For the league minimum posting fee, they dropped Kinda All-Star demoted closer Brian Fuentes and picked up Mariner CF Adam "Q*Bert" Jones. Upon seeing this one the league page, I was all geared up for a host of Andruw Jones jokes, but this guy is a different A. Jones. He's tearing it up in Trippple-A. Are the Draino's gearing up for the '08 campaign, or are they hoping to get lucky in the second half? Also on his way out is brokedown C Mike Napoli whose ankle hurts. The Drains take Sportsline's advice on Napoli: "Keep him stashed in AL-only leagues and larter gormats until further notice." Despite a subpar year, the Drain is no dummy. They know we play neither in an AL-only league, nor a larter gormat, so out with him. Replacing him will be Twin SP Scott Baker who will start this (shortened) week. Baker's 3-3 with a 5.71 ERA, but he's gotta nice 41-12 K/BB ratio. Only 24% of Sportsline managers agree with the Drain that Baker's worth a roster spot.



The Superlative Illegitimates upped their chances of future success by picking up Justin Upton, CF prospect for the Phoenix team. While prospect Adam Jones is currently the #1 scouted fantasy player, Just Upton is #342. What do the Bastards know that we don't. When did they know it? I give this a for nepotism. On his way out the door is Oriole Nick Markakis who despite that embarassing campaign picture of him riding the tank "remains a viable fantasy option in all formats."

The Trading Post

Travis Hafner for Tom Gorzelanny, Todd Helton & Hideki Matsui

Travis Hafner (1B/DH-CLE): Kept by Those Darned Sox (TDS)
Tom Gorzelanny (LH SP-PIT): Drafted Round 6/Pick 51 by Circling The Drain (CTD)
Todd Helton (1B-COL): Drafted Round 12/Pick 111 by CTD
Hideki Matsui (LF-NYY): Drafted Round 4/Pick 31 by CTD

6/9/07: TDS acquire Gorzelanny, Helton and H. Matsui from CTD for Hafner

Hafner Points During Period 1 thru 10: 236/Period 11 thru 14: 76
Gorzelanny Points During Period 1 thru 10: 198/Period 11 thru 14: 84
Helton Points During Period 1 thru 10: 212/Period 11 thru 14: 93
H. Matsui Points During Period 1 thru 10: 171/Period 11 thru 14: 95

TDS Gross Points During Period 1 thru 10: 236/Period 11 thru 14: 272
CTD Gross Points During Period 1 thru 10: 581/Period 11 thru 14: 76

Category: Bust

The Trading Post

B.J. Upton (BJU) for Ten Fantasy Dollars

Drafted: Round 13/Pick 130 by Circling The Drain (CTD)

3/22/07: CTD drop BJU for Kevin Kouzmanoff @ $2

4/5/07: The Consummate Bastards (CoBas) drop Homer Bailey for BJU @ $1

6/8/07: CTD acquire BJU from CoBas for $10 (processed on 6/9/07)

6/8/07: BJU removed from game in 1^st Inning with apparent quad injury

6/11/07: CoBas acquire LHP SP-DET Andrew Miller for $15

6/14/07: BJU placed on 15-day DL

6/24/07: BJU eligible to come off of DL; does not come off of DL

6/28/07: BJU makes first rehab appearance with Tampa Bay Single-A affiliate, going 0-3 in 5 innings of play

6/29/07: BJU sits out of rehab appearance

6/30/07: BJU makes second rehab appearance, going 0-2

7/1/07: BJU makes third rehab appearance, with Tampa Bay Triple-A affiliate, homering in the contest

7/2/07: BJU sits out of rehab appearance

7/3/07: BJU sits out of rehab appearance (with a fever)

7/4/07: BJU makes fourth rehab appearance, going 2-4 in 6 innings of play

7/7/07: BJU makes fifth rehab appearance, with Tampa Bay Single-A affiliate, going 1-2 with a homerun and two sacrifice flies

7/9/07: BJU makes sixth rehab appearance, going 0-2 with two walks

Total Points Prior To Trade: 214

Total Points Since Trade: 0

Category: Bust

First Half In Review: Stats, Leaders, Etc.

Offensive Leaderboard
All The Wrong Cubs: Hits (tie), Sacrifice Hits, Triples, Batting Average, On-Base, & Slugging
Naps: Walks & Stolen Bases
Festivus Miracles: At Bats, Runs & Total Points
Jackanapes: Strikeouts-most, Grand Slams,
Not So Fragile Flowers: Singles, HBP, GIDP-most
Slipstream Starlings: Hits (tie), Home Runs, Runs Batted In, Runners Left on Base, Total Bases
The Consummate Bastards: Doubles, Errors-most
The Darned Sox: Sacrifice hits (tie)
Da Infidels: Sacrifice hits (tie)

Pitching Leaderboard
Naps: Walks-fewest (tie), Hits-fewest, ERA & WHIP
Festivus Miracles:Walks-fewest (tie)
Jackanapes:Blown slaves-most
Slipstream Starlings: Innings Pitches, Games Started & Saves
The Consummate Bastards: Quality Starts, Wins, Strikeouts, Holds & Total Points
The Darned Sox: Complete Games
Da Infidels: Losses-most

Special Mention: Savage Sickos: Leads Division

Most Productive Draft Picks - Last Five Rounds
Joe Blanton (#140) - 320.5 pts.
Brandon Phillips (#154) - 320 pts.
James Shields (#174) - 319 pts. [Drafted by Jackanapes, Released 4/15; Signed by Slipstream Starlings 4/30]
Kelvim Escobar (#175) - 293 pts. [Drafted by ATWC, Released 4/8; Signed by Jackanapes 5/7]
Josh Willingham (#176) - 292 pts.

Special Mention: Curtis Granderson (#126) - 327 pts.

Least Productive Draft Picks - Top Five Rounds
BJ Ryan (#11) - 24.5 pts.
Jason Schmidt (#19) - 49.5 pts.
Huston Street (#41) - 113 pts.
Jason Jennings (#46) - 124.5 pts.
Howie Kendrick (#28) - 145

Special Mention: Mariano Rivera (#42) - 154 pts.

Most Hitters Used: Not So Fragile Flowers (18)
Fewest Hitters Used: Savage Sickos (11)

Most Pitchers Used: Jackanapes/Slipstream Starlings (19)
Fewest Pitchers Used: The Darned Sox (12)

Pitchers With The Middle Name "Alan": Gregory Alan Maddux, Mark Alan Buerhle, and the next big thing - Michael Alan Pelfrey

Highest Scoring Relief Pitcher: Matt Capps [Free Agent - 4/1/2007 to 7/11/2007]

Top 10 Batters (Overall) -- Points/Plate Appearance (minimum 200 AB)
As Provided By Commissioner Johnston
[Free Agents]

1. Rodriguez, Alex 3B NYY 1.21
2. Sheffield, Gary RF DET 1.06
3. Ordonez, Magglio RF DET 1.05
4. Fielder, Prince 1B MIL 1.05
5. Pena, Carlos 1B TB 1.04
6. Bonds, Barry LF SF 1.03
7. Guillen, Carlos SS DET 1.02
8. Utley, Chase 2B PHI 1.01
9. Morneau, Justin 1B MIN 0.99
10. Hunter, Torii CF MIN 0.98
10. Howard, Ryan 1B PHI 0.98

Top 5 Catchers
1. Martinez, Victor C CLE 0.94
2. Martin, Russell C LA 0.92
3. Mauer, Joe C MIN 0.87
4. Posada, Jorge C NYY 0.86
5. Varitek, Jason C BOS 0.77

Top 5 1B
1. Fielder, Prince 1B MIL 1.05
2. Pena, Carlos 1B TB 1.04
3. Guillen, Carlos SS DET 1.02
4. Morneau, Justin 1B MIN 0.99
5. Howard, Ryan 1B PHI 0.98

Top 5 2B
1. Utley, Chase 2B PHI 1.01
2. Upton, B.J. 3B TB 0.96
3. Phillips, Brandon 2B CIN 0.86
4. Uggla, Dan 2B FLA 0.85
4. Kinsler, Ian 2B TEX 0.85

Top 5 3B
1. Rodriguez, Alex 3B NYY 1.21
2. Jones, Chipper 3B ATL 0.97
3. Upton, B.J. 3B TB 0.96
4. Cabrera, Miguel 3B FLA 0.94
5. Ramirez, Aramis 3B CHC 0.89
5. Glaus, Troy 3B TOR 0.89

Top 5 SS
1. Guillen, Carlos SS DET 1.02
2. Ramirez, Hanley SS FLA 0.93
3. Rollins, Jimmy SS PHI 0.90
4. Reyes, Jose B. SS NYM 0.85
5. Hardy, J.J. SS MIL 0.83
5. Renteria, Edgar SS ATL 0.83

Top 5 LF
1. Sheffield, Gary RF DET 1.06
2. Bonds, Barry LF SF 1.03
3. Dunn, Adam LF CIN 0.96
4. Holliday, Matt LF COL 0.94
4. Duncan, Chris LF STL 0.94

Top 5 CF
1. Hunter, Torii CF MIN 0.98
2. Griffey, Ken CF CIN 0.96
3. Upton, B.J. 3B TB 0.96
4. Sizemore, Grady CF CLE 0.93
5. Pence, Hunter CF HOU 0.92

Top 5 RF
1. Sheffield, Gary RF DET 1.06
2. Ordonez, Magglio RF DET 1.05
3. Griffey, Ken CF CIN 0.96
3. Guerrero, Vladimir RF ANA 0.96
5. Hawpe, Brad RF COL 0.94
5. Duncan, Chris LF STL 0.94

Top 20 Starters -- Points Per Games Started
1. Peavy, Jake SP SD 19.75
2. Santana, Johan SP MIN 19.69
3. Sabathia, C.C. SP CLE 18.89
4. Bedard, Erik SP BAL 18.87
5. Guthrie, Jeremy RP BAL 18.69
6. Haren, Dan SP OAK 18.58
7. Hamels, Cole SP PHI 18.44
8. Matsuzaka, Daisuke SP BOS 18.36
9. Escobar, Kelvim SP ANA 18.31
10. Verlander, Justin SP DET 18.09
11. Maine, John SP NYM 17.85
12. Lackey, John SP ANA 17.78
13. Shields, James SP TB 17.75
14. Beckett, Josh SP BOS 17.75
15. Snell, Ian SP PIT 17.65
16. Bonderman, Jeremy SP DET 17.63
17. Young, Chris R. SP SD 17.62
18. Penny, Brad SP LA 17.28
19. Smoltz, John SP ATL 17.26
20. Webb, Brandon SP ARI 17.24

TWIDCBA: Week 14

Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for... for some kind of sanity. Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious. Wow. This is...This is a black day for baseball.

Slipstream Starlings 383.5 @ The Consummate Bastards 327.5
Dateline: Minnesota.
The Starlings darling, Canadian clouter Morneau, bombs away for a solid 50-point performance, easily outdistancing the Bastards' bomber Pujols merely mounting a meager 18. Positive pitching performances provide plenty of cushion for the Streamers, with Cuyahogan chucker Fausto Carmona delivering a doubledip dandy while tubby Tribe teammate CC Sabathia struggled to survive through five. The tilt ties the teams in their pennant push with only one more head to head matchup on the map.

The Darned Sox 352.5 @ Jackanapes 381.5
Dateline: Chicago.
The southside Sox swatter Thome blasts 54-points worth of balls out for the Unit-less Napes, who survive to snap their third two-loss skein this season. Immobile and inactive was the Greek god of walks for the Hosers, supplying a scant 4 scores in his short stint. Ursine Venezuelan zinger Zambrano bore the brunt of the bump crop for the Napes, stop dropping and rolling over the Darned Sox's Doc and making .500.

Not So Fragile Flowers 381 @ Da Infidels 277.5
Dateline: New York.
Roberts' robbery of roster registers romp, with Rocket Roger (39 points) wreaking havoc on draft day daddy Da Infidels. Wang worth wins for the Wahhabists and Cano clubs, but less than royal performances from El Duque and Le Marquis are the undoing of the unfaithful ones. A postseason passover predicated on a paucity of points will leave the Not Sos nutso for passing on playing peak performers for the period Casey Blake (40 points) and Javier Vazquez (58 points).

All The Wrong Cubs 321.5 @ Naps 360
Dateline: NATWC.
Left-handed lollipoppers Lilly and Buerhle bring home the bacon while the bandaged bench looks on for the nasty Naps. Three-bag thrillmeister Granderson garners no triples this week. The Kitcat club only 6-4 when the Tiger succeeds for a 270-foot safety, 4-1 sans. Bonds blasts milestone for the victors, while Wolf is a millstone for the vanquished.

Festivus Miracles 303.5 @ Savage Sickos 303.5*
Dateline: DCBA.
Half-point heartache haunts, has Miracles on ice, leaves Sickos fit to be tied. Benches bereft, bar second-guessing by management. Bedard blanks, bullies batters. Braun's Brewers beginning breakdown, but the hitting heeb hammers homers. Home-field advantageous to Sickos, who slide into first; funk finds Festivi flipped off in fourth.

TransAction Monday, Plus Bonus Feature: TransAction Monday of Last Week

While most fantasy players are taking a rest over the next three days, your Blog Content Providers are hard at work pounding out insightful and witty columns, for those TransActions never ever stop. Until the money runs out...

Like for those poor Jackanapes, who are down to their last eight fantasy bucks after spending $1 on Edgar Renteria, dumping the injured and bitterly disappointing Billie Hall. As previously noted in this space, Renteria so far has put up a surprising .319/.384/.484 line (with 10 HRs and 45 RBIs). But before the Jackanapes get too excited about his Second Half Prospects, it might be useful to note that Renteria, over the span of 12 seasons, has averaged 11 HRs a season. So, in other words, unless he's having a career-year power breakout at age 31, we're looking at a big-time Second Half Slowdown.

Last week, the Jackanapes picked up Carlos Marmol for $1 while letting go of the mostly useless Alan Embree. In 28 IP this year, Marmol has 40 K: 10 BB and an ERA of 0.96. Meanwhile, Bobby Howry is getting save opportunities in the Absence of Dempster. Question for Lou Pinella: What are you DOING?!

Last week, the Not So Fragile Flowers picked up James Loney Loney (Hey Motherfucker: get laid, get fucked) for $1. (And not Corey Hart as some may have lead you to believe.) Loney is a highly-rated Dodgers prospect that some have compared to a young -- take your pick -- Adrian Gonzalez, Justin Morneau, or Aramis Ramirez. For a keeper league like ours, Loney should have been rostered long ago, especially since he's providing some nice current value too at the MLB level: .385/.442/.603. Bravo, NSFF.

Back to this week, though, and the Slipstream Starlings. Former Cy Young Award winner Bartolo Colon was dropped for Kevin Millwood ($1), who once finished as high as 3rd in the Cy Young voting. In 1999. Millwood has spent a good chunk on the DL this season, but this past week he posted 40 points in 2 starts. It might not be enough to earn him any Cy Young votes this season, but it reduced his ERA from 7.06 to 6.16.

Circling the Drain bought Phil Hughes ($1) at a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge discount from his last posted price of $11 (4/26/07). Will Phil take the hill still or will he continue to provide nill? Only the Yankees know fersure. As it stands, not a bad snipe by CtD, especially when the only price paid (besides the $1) was Kevin Kouzmanoff's roster slot.

And the Savage Sickos scavenged Chuck James ($2) from the recently-dropped list, dropping Josh Johnson to the recently-dropped list himself. James has been up and down this year, as illustrated by the chart below I ripped off from Sportsline:

15		21		12		12		10		27		10		7		37		15		1		21		21		13
1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		10		11		12		13		14		15		16		17		18		19		20		21		22		23		24		25		26

Speaking of Sportsline, they help put this acquisition in perspective: "The Braves have just three games during Fantasy Week 15 (July 9-15), but James is a candidate to start one of those games."

Enjoy the break!