TransAction Monday

Sitting at 2-0, an ERA of 3.75, WHIP of .92, 37 Ks in 36 IP with only 7 BBs, and, most importantly, averaging 18.60 fantasy points per game start (compared with Santana's 18.33 and Lackey's 17.40), how on earth was James Shields still a free agent? Oh. Right. Some dumbass dumped him the other week. This week the Slipstream Starlings snatched him up for $4, dropping the dropworthy Jake Westbrook (9.40 points per game start).

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move a B for Breakout Season Ahead.

Another deserving pitcher languishing on the waiver wire was Braden Looper who was finally picked up ($2) by the Savage Sickos, while letting go of knucklehead Tim Wakefield. Let's check in with the Cardinals Battle Royale of Relievers-Converted-to-Starters:

• Braden Looper: 3-1, 1.19 ERA, 1.00 WHIP, 18:10 K/BB in 33 IP, 17.50 points per g.s.

• Adam Wainwright: 1-2, 6.14 ERA, 1.88 WHIP, 21:16 K/BB in 29.1 IP, 11.00 points per g.s.

Who'd a thunk it. Not me. And certainly not any of you, until now, going into the 5th week.

I give this move an A for A-OK.

The Consumate Bastards didn't let the ink dry on the call-up papers for Hunter Pence before bidding (and winning) the rights for $2. Pence, for those out there who don't know (or don't care) is a highly-regarded Astros prospect with a career minor-league line of .302/.376/.556. That's the good news. The bad news are some of the the player comps from Baseball Prospectus: Kevin Mench, Brian Anderson, David Kelton, and Bobby Crosby.

Will he be a stud or a dud? The world is watching and waiting to find out.

I give this move a B for Baldelli's Backup's Backup.

What's more valuable: a piece-of-shit closer for a good team (say, Bob Wickman of the Braves), or a hot closer on a bad team (say, Al Reyes of the Devil Rays). With that age-old query in mind, the Jackanapes dumped the chump to try to beat the slump and picked up Reyes for $2. How will it turn out? The world is watching and waiting to find out.

I give this move an A for Amusing.

With Akinori Iwamura on the shelf with a strained oblique, 'Da Infidels go for the more straightforward Mike Lowell ($1). And while Greg Maddux's pitches slide by the plate at oblique angles, the Infidels are instead opting for the straight-ass stuff of Jarrod Washburn ($1).

I give these moves an A for Anti-Anfractuous.

The Naps pick up the left hand of darkness, Kei Igawa ($1), to further build an all-lefty staff. Dana Eveland was left wondering what's left. (Nothing, son.)

I give this move a B for Brisk.

And the Not So Fragile Flowers added a man named Kelly to its roster. Though it should be noted that this Kelly Johnson ($1) fellow is stroking it to the tune of 1.07 points per plate appearance, which puts him behind only Ian Kinsler (1.21) and Chase Utley (1.10) for the best of the Second Baseman. Lyle Overbay was mercifully dropped.

I give this move an A for Another Breakout Season Ahead.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week.

TransAction Thursday

The Not So Frugal Flowers burn another dollar trying to catch lightning in a bottle. Some might say they only managed a lightning bug. Keep El Duque away from open flames (and your active lineup). (Right-handed specialist Vicente Padilla was dropped to accommodate Mr. Duque. (His specialty? Being dropped.))

My thoughts on this acquisition?

You know what they say: Don’t fall in love with a pitching prospect at the CoBacabana. Especially don’t do so to the tune of $11, which is the largest FAAB sum to-date in DCBA Year 2007. That amount will get you some good play at a jukebox, but will Phil Hughes be up to stay, as Yankee nation turns its hopeful eyes to him? The Jackanapes pray he doesn’t go back to Rockville but rather begins the begin. (Left-handed specialist Kei Igawa was dropped to accommodate Mr. Hughes. (His specialty? Sucking.))

My thoughts on this acquisition?

TWIDCBA - Week Three

It's clobbering time.

With a quick splash of warm weather returning to much of the country, slumbering lumber also began to arise from hibernation this week.

All The Wrongs Cub 405.5 @ The Darned Sox 334.5
It's an old maxim that offense wins games, but pitching wins championships. If that's the case, both of these teams will win more than a fair number of games but shouldn't start clearing any space on the mantel (or chimneypiece, if you prefer) for their trophies. TDS clubbed a league-high 14 HR to post 242 offensive points, and ATWC countered with a league-high 25 doubles of their own on the way to putting up 240 points. It was on the pitching rubber, however, where the game was won - or lost, depending on your perspective. With a 5.78 ERA and 1.84 WHIP on the week, ATWC didn't deserve to win, but TDS didn't make a case for themselves with their 5.77 ERA and 1.56 WHIP - which garned them only 92.5 points, and in the end it was a remarkably efficient 67.5 points from Jenks and Papelbon that allowed ATWC to take an early 2-1 record and first place in the division.

Naps 381.5 @ Not So Fragile Flowers 323
While not great in quantity, the Naps' pitching staff squeezed out the quality in Week 3, going 6-6 in QS with a sparkling 1.69 ERA and 0.92 WHIP - numbers achieved without the benefit of the Mark Buerhle no-hitter. NSFF were nearly about to put the nail in the coffin of the Naps on Thursday, but Sweaty Joe Borowski - the reigning TWIDCBA Pitcher of the Week - spit the bit. (In a non-save situation.) A positive sign for the NSFF, however, is the turnaround of Barry Zito, who appears to have finally acclimated hisself to the NL. The next thing you know, Alyssa Milano will be the NSFF's biggest fan.

The Consummate Bastards 318.5 @ Jackanapes 366
Employing the bold move of having Scott Kazmir matchup against and outperform 2 of the CoBa's starters at an eyepopping 6:1 ratio, the rest of the lineup was freed up to do their thing and allowed the Jackanapes to roll to an easy victory. Additionally, the one-man wrecking crew that goes by the human name Jim Thome put up an astounding .455/.741/1.273 line for the week, to complement the all-around game of SS/CF Bill E. Hall (44 pts). The CoBa's were unable to counter that assualt, as Howie Kendrick was injured, and the cornerstones of future Hall-of-Famers Miguel Cabrera and Albert Pujols have yet to hit their stride (or fastballs, curveballs, sliders, etc.) so far this year.

Da Infidels 257 @ Festivus Miracles 345
Infidels: I said slumbering lumber began to arise from hibernation this week. Did y'all miss that memo? Perhaps Juan Pierre, having possibly the best week he'll ever have, was disgruntled at being left on the bench and forgot to distribute it. Juan Pierre, high scorer; yes, you definitely did not get cc'd on that. Notwithstanding that, Jason Hirsh continues to impress, although being active on a staff with two pitchers not on an MLB roster and/or on the DL dulls a bit of the shine. While Jason Schmidt was out, the rest of the FM's staff were able to cover his loss by picking up a win apiece, including Freddy Garcia during his 2007 debut. Carlos Beltran, doing everything above-average but not one thing superlatively, carried the offense - and led the NL - with his 47 points.

Slipstream Starlings 332.5 @ Savage Sickos 318
Paul Konerko, Michael Young, Vernon Wells, Adam Dunn (50 points combined): Alex Rodriguez (50 points individually) would like some help. If 2 of you hit a 2-run homer while the other 2 manage a walk, your team has a victory. Ask Hawk Harrelson, he'll tell you what you need: balance. Or just look at your opponent, who had 7 hitters between 21-28 points. That enabled them to overcome a 5.07 ERA during the week and helped to minimize the fact that they only had 3 homeruns. Such balance has given the Starlings the longest winning streak in the league, a first-place ranking and a one-game lead over the SaSi's. To put it another way, it's time for the SaSi's to trade AlexRod for 5 mediocre players. Balance.

TransAction Monday

That darned Sock, Cap'n Jason Varitek, owner of a .318/.375/.591 (15 pts) week gets the ax from The Darned Sox, who have made their decision at Catcher: Michael Barrett (.381/.375/.952 and 25 pts on the week). Taking Varitek's roster spot is Hank Blalock ($1). Will Blalock take any playing time away from Ryan Zimmerman or is Blalock just another duplicative position player to collect dust on the bench a la the non-starting two of Drew, Rios and Ordonez. Only time will tell.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an A for Average, Hank Blalock's: .254

Since DCBA does not typically reward for poorly-pitched mop-up innings, the Sox put Brad Lidge out to pasture. And returning from the grave in his spot? Matt Morris ($1) who is currently clocking in at 15.67 points per start, higher that such nearly-dead pitchers as Curt Schilling (15.50), John Smoltz (14.90), Tom Glavine (14.80), and Kevin Millwood (12).

I give this move an A for Astute.

All the Wrong Cubs wigged out after a world-beating week and dropped that obscure object of their desire, Ty Allen Wigginton. Eric Byrnes ($2) was picked up in his stead to patrol RF while ATWC tries to figure out what to do with heralded prospect Carlos Quentin: Hold, Discard, or Play. Sometimes you never know what you have until you lay it down on the table. Then again, sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone. But on the other hand, you don't know what you have until he sits on the bench for a couple of weeks. These are the times that try men's souls.

I give this move a B for Boooooooooyrnes.

But that's not all. ATWC also picked up Randy "Woof" Wolf ($2) while dropping Jason Isringhausen. Instead of being relegated to the dustbin of baseball history, Wolf is making a quasi-comeback this season. Try this on for size: In four starts, Wolf's 18.25 points per game start is tied with Jake Peavy (18.25) and ahead of such so-called studs as Justin Verlander (17.50), Roy Oswalt (17.10), Jeremy Bonderman (17.00), and Brandon Webb (16.63). Whether or not he'll keep it up is another story. But in the meantime: nice find.

I give this move a B for Bravo.

Tough week for the Not So Fragile Flowers. Take away Micah Ownings injury-shortened week (and add in, say, Tom Glavine's points); lop off Lo Duca's suck-inflicted career (and add in, say, anyone else's points); and give Billy Wagner some save opps. and you may be looking at a different outcome. As it stands, with 20-20 vision during this time of hindsight, the NSFF can only do the honorable thing and drop Owings AND Lo Duca, find another RP, and get a hitter. Just what the doctor ordered: Chris Ray ($1) and Josh Hamilton ($2). Hamilton, it should be noted, is currently slugging out a cool 1.26 points per plate appearance. Eat THAT, Beltran (1.17), Ortiz (1.13), and Thome (1.10).

I give these moves an F for Forward-Thinking.

The Savage Sickos shelled out a buck to see if two Tim Wakefield starts are worth the price of one. (Answer: Yes. Maybe even less.) Brandon McCarthy was let go to make room. Maybe next year, Brandon.

I give this move a B for Been There, Done That.

And finally the Jackanapes picked up Kei Igawa ($1) in the hopes that if you add Igawa's points to Matzusaka's, it might come close to justifying a No. 1 Daisuke pick. John Patterson was dropped to make room.

I give this move an A for Asinine.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week.

TransAction Thursday

All The Wrong Cubs jettison Jacque Jones just jecause. Some teams have grooming requirements, ATWC have bat color restrictions. So, in an effort to find an honest pitcher, ATWC throw a wadded-up bill at Diogenes Ramon Ortiz, who is off to a solid enough start for the Twinkies.

My thoughts on this acquisition?

The Consummate Bastards, in a rare display of foresight, secure the soon-to-be non-playing rights of Felix Pie the very night Felix Hernandez, who you might know from his having been drafted ahead of Brandon Webb, who himself struck out thirteen (13) hitters last night, those hitters being Padres, who you may or may not know played a late Sunday night game, then traveled to the Cubs for two games (night/day) after which series returned to the West Coast, exits stage left to fife and pipe in the role of TINSTAAP. I hear Pie can throw a strike to home from the outfield, so maybe a reverse-Ankiel is in order once the Cubs realize they can’t get enough playing time for 9 outfielders.

My thoughts on this acquisition?

Pop Quiz, Hotshots

There have been three no-hitters thrown in the last three years:

• Randy Johnson on 5/18/04 (a perfect game)
• Anibal Sanchez on 9/6/06
• Mark Buehrle on 4/18/07

What is the common thread between these three no-hitters?

Leave your guesses in the comments.

Getting to Know...the Not So Fragile Flowers

"That pine tar was organic, asshole!"


Michael L. "Mike" Roberts is no wilted flower. An avid outdoorsmen, a nationally-ranked snowshoer, an environmentalist with a capital MENTAL, Roberts is the toughest pansy I know. And while his fantasy baseball team is more known for its proclivity towards injury than it's W/L record, Michael exudes a winning personality. He has achieved such great success in both his personal and professional life that fantasy baseball success is sure to follow.

We recently sat down for a chat.

Commissioner Johnston: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. You're a hard man to get in touch with. Most inquiries sent your way are met with "I'll get back to you in 24 hours." Then months of silence. Because of this, there are rumors afloat about your profession. Some have said you're a consultant to the Military Industrial Complex. Others have said you're a charlatan who peddles vitamin-fortified juice to widows. Care to set the record straight? What DO you DO?

Mike Roberts: I am in the business of reverse engineering all of the ‘progress’ we, as a society, have made in the past 40 years or so. Everything else you have heard is just a side note. Check out my website: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/

CJ: Oh, I see. You're one of *those* people. You care more about owls than soldiers. Pop quiz, hotshot: Who killed the electric car?

MR: Colonel Mustard, in the library, with a candlestick.

CJ: Let's talk a little about the (Not So) Fragile Flowers. Your teams over the last couple of years have been bereft of power. And almost as if to thumb your nose at your various critics -- of which there are plenty -- you selected Julio Lugo with pick no. 38. How many singles do you project Lugo to hit this year? And will you lobby the commissioners to make singles worth 4 points?

MR: In reality, it was a mistake. I was searching for Juan Pierre and somehow ended up with Lugo. Regardless, I like what I see and project him hitting at least 50 singles this year. In the past, the problem has not been my singles hitters. Those guys are doing their jobs and getting on base. The problem has come with the HGH part of the lineup who think that instead of another single to move the runners over, they should end it with one swing. And end it usually does. And next year, I won’t need to lobby – I will be the lone commissioner making all the rules.

CJ: Speaking of which, you've been a vocal critic of the current DCBA Commissioners' "Reign of Terror" as you once referred to it. What will you do differently next year when you are the lone Commissioner?

MR: As Commissioner, I hope to close the gap between the haves and have nots. As an owner of a mid-market team, I can personally vouch for the fact that the revenue-sharing algorithm in place is not working. Secondly, I plan to rid the league of foreign owners. When owners from foreign countries such as Australia and Texas invade our league with Aussie Dollars and Tehas Bucks, it just confuses the whole free agent bidding system. Those will be my top two priorities.

CJ: Those are strong words coming from someone who grew up in Arizona. Growing up in the god-foresaken desert in the 70s before league expansion brought us the Diamondbacks, what MLB team -- if any -- did you watch during your formative years?

MR: Kansas City Royals. My hands were always sticky during my formative years, so I thought pine tar would be my best alibi.

CJ: Who got your hands stickier: George Brett, Bret Saberhagen, or Dan Quisenberry?

MR: Definitely George Brett. Don't you remember the pink Izods he wore?

CJ: Those AL hunks did nothing for me. I only had eyes for Ryno. Anyway, after you wiped off and shipped out to college, you spent your post-college, drunken slacker years in Seattle. Settle this question once and for all: Who serves a better cup of coffee: Seattle's Best, Starbuck's, or Dunkin' Donuts?

MR: Of the three options, Charbucks tops the crew. Dunkin’ Donuts is all cream all the time and Seattle’s Best will always be second best. The real winner is Torrefazione Italia - Pioneer Square, Seattle.

CJ: Sounds like a good place to ride in your liberal limousine to and get a latte. Who serves better concession food: the Cubs, the White Sox, or the Mariners?

MR: Mariners. Come on, where else can you get an Ichiroll? Although an Old Style in a disintegrating cup is a close second, especially for those environmentalists out there.

CJ: If you were a MLB player, what song would they play over the PA system when you stepped in the batter's box?

MR: As a player, Day Games - Centerfold by J Giles Band, Night Games - Shout at the Devil by Motley Crue. As an owner, I attempt to motivate my team with Dead Flowers by the Rolling Stones at all home games.

CJ: It has worked so far. I see Micah Owings fell victim just last night. But enough about baseball. What we really want to know is: If you could turn the NCAA tournament into a battle of the World's 64 Sexiest Women, who would be your Final Four?

MR: Reese Witherspoon, Gennifer Flowers, Ivanka Trump, Umbra Fisk

CJ: Umbra Fisk? I'll tell you what. Let me bring some women into the discussion other DCBA members (myself included) have at least heard of. How about an 'Eff, Marry, Kill: Elizabeth Filarski-Hasselbeck, Morgan Fairchild (present-day), Teresa Heinz-Kerry

MR: Kill, Eff, Marry respectively.

CJ: What?? You'd kill a hot chick just because you disagree with her politics? Yet you'd draft and start Curt Schilling, whose political views are even more extreme than Filarski-Hasselbeck's? You're a flip-flopper. You'd make a great spouse of Teresa Heinz-Kerry. As for Morgan Fairchild...Weren't you and she an item once? I seem to recall seeing a photo...


CJ: Anyway, Mike. It's been a treat. Good luck this season.

MR: The pleasure was surely mine and indescribable with words.

TWIDCBA: Week Two

The only offense Pods is good for is the kind that he creates with his "defense."

Through the first 2 weeks, we have 5 teams batting under .270 and only 2 teams with an ERA over 4. It's as if the rosters are stocked with Scott Podsednikses. So who were the least flailingest teams this week?

Savage Sickos 327 (1-1) @ The Consummate Bastards 365 (2-0)
While having 2 of the top 10 hitters in the game in their lineup, the CoBas are nothing if not a pitching team, as evidenced by the depth that had 2 automatic starts for most teams, Jake Peavy and Justin Verlander, sitting on the bench. Good ol #42, CC Sabathia, paced the pitchers with a league-high 51.5 points, while good ol #42, Delmon Young, lead the slugging side for the CoBa’s, who go to 2-0 for the 2nd straight year. The SaSi’s, meanwhile, could’ve used someone and/or anyone to fill the gaping hole left by their ace, Chris Carpenter. And if that replacement pitcher had given them 39 quality points, they’d have the win. As it stands, the SaSi’s are off to their worst start in franchise history.

Slipstream Starlings 320 (1-1) @ Da Infidels 246 (0-2)
After an offseason in which much was given and much expected, much like their distant media relatives through the Tribune Company, Da Infidels have yet to see 1 homer from Alfonso Soriano and only 3 total from Soriano, Howard and Bay combined. Good ol’ #42 Jimmy Rollins: 6 HR. In addition to that, good ol’ #42 Mariano Rivera might allow more homers than they hit at this pace. The Slipstream Starlings may not be knocking out as many homers as they’d like, either, but nevertheless they continue to try (and come just short), leading the league with 33 doubles (21 in week 2 alone). As Mark Grace would tell you, 2-baggers are good for slumpbusting, and the Starlings head into week 3 as the leaders of the Unstoppable Forces division.

The Darned Sox 274 (1-1) @ Naps 287.5 (1-1)
A 10 IP complete game from Roy Halladay and a perfect week in quality starts (5-5) would usually equal a solid victory, but on the other hand a 1-22 week from your thirdbaseman and 3-17 week from your firstbaseman usually equal a solid defeat. I would call the Sox victory this week…nonexistent…and their defeat…soft. What can I say, it’s been a crazy year all around; Ian Kinsler led all batters in scoring on the strength of 4 HR. The Naps’ luck can’t be counted on to last too long – they got 3 solid outings in one week from Cubs pitchers (and yet the Cubs only got 1 win out of it themselves), and their #1 pick, BJ Ryan, has hit the DL. If good things come in threes, however, they might have a chance; the Naps lead the league with 7 triples.

Not So Fragile Flowers 269.5 (1-1) @ Jackanapes 257.5 (1-1)
9 innings pitched, 4 strikeouts, and a loss. Not a horrible line for a pitcher. But that’s not just any pitcher we’re talking about, that’s the combined line for Ben Sheets and Carlos Zambrano last week, in addition to their cumulative 13 runs allowed in those 9 innings. That Diesucky Massbukkake pick is looking better and better with every passing week (all 2 of them). For the NSFF, Sweaty Joe Borowski (cf. Ducky Joe Medwick, Super Joe Charboneau) pulled off his best points total since December, 2005 – when he first committed to Richard Simmons’ Deal-A-Meal plan – putting the team on his big, sweaty back and carrying the dead weight of LoDuca (2-16), DeRosa (1-12), Teahan (2-20), and Sheffield (2-24) to an easy victory and a share of first place.

Festivus Miracles 262.5 (1-1) @ All The Wrong Cubs 248 (1-1)

From August 1, 2006 through April 15, 2007, Andy Pettitte had the lowest ERA among pitchers with 90 or more innings pitched. Unfortunately for ATWC, the Yankee southpaw’s performance couldn’t match the output of Chris Capuano, who from April 9-April 15 had 0 IP (and a 0.00 ERA – top that, Pettitte). The Festivus Miracles, on the other hand, used the ol’ switcheroo to come out on top, having their lumbering catcher steal 3 bases, while their speedy shortstop slugged 3 homers. Also adding to the FM’s margin of victory: 3 HBP. Nobody will stand for the speedy guy hitting homers and the squatty guy stealing bases.

Player of the Week (Offense): Ian Kinsler

Player of the Week (Pitching): Sweaty Joe Borowski

Pick to Click, Week 3 (Offense): Ryan Garko

Pick to Click, Week 3 (Pitching): Kei Igawa

TransAction Monday

All the Wrong Cubs dropped six smackers on two second-sackers who are whacking the ball really well right now: $3-a-pop for Orlando Hudson and Ty Wigginton.

While Hudson's fast .412/.450/.588 start is probably not sustainable and he's bound to dip closer to his career line of .278/.337/.431, there's no denying he's providing a lot of value right now, much more so than Tadahito Iguchi, who was dropped.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an F for Fantastic Fast Start.

As for Wigginton, it should be noted that he is also eligible at 1B and 3B, which will be very helpful while Aramis Ramirez's wrist recovers. It also should be noted that this is Wigginton's second tour of duty with ATWC (First Tour: 4/23/06 - 5/4/06). This is veering on Man Crush territory. But, hey, what is there not to like about Wigg? He can handle the hot corner, he covers holes up the middle, and he sure can receive the ball with his foot on the sack.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move a B for Brokebackish.

Speaking of second helpings, the Slipstream Starlings bought a steaming pile of Bartolo Colon for $1. Will the dirigible-sized pitcher crash or float this year?

Adam LaRoche -- owner of a lonely .088/.205/.206 start -- was exiled to free agent land, where he will happily flourish until someone else gives him a roster spot.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an F for Fool Me Once? Shame On You...

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week.

TransAction Thursday

The Da Infidels banish Kei Igawa to the land of dirt and ghosts and without a moment’s hesitation take on Akinori Iwamura of the Tampa Bay baseball Devil Rays like a new comfort wife. I think The Da Infidels are being helmed by Mr. Eddie’s Father.

Rating: *

In what will likely be the most touching moment of DCBA Year 2007, Jackanapes welcome back John “Corey” Patterson like a prodigal son: kept, cast off, abused by the Slipstream Starlings, and now returned. Was it the beard? James “Jamie” Shields, we hardly knew ye, because we didn’t really care to.

Rating: ****

If coffee is for closers, then Savage Sickos are going to replace their ordinary brand with the Folgers Crystals of RPs, Jose Valverde. At the crack of the WHIP, you’ll be a free agent, Jose. Chad Billingsley is content with his fate, eating 100 Grand bars in the bullpen.

Rating: ***

Like replacing a bald tire with a carriage wheel, Not So Fragile Flowers unceremoniously dump fifth starter Clay Hensley for upstart fifth starter Micah Owings. Anything times zero is zero, even if it costs a buck.

Rating: **

[****: Mordecai Brown’s Missing Index Finger /***: Jim Abbott’s Missing Hand /**: Al Kaline’s Deformed Foot /*: El Pulpo’s Sixth Finger]

The Week In Review: One

Week 1: It's like Week 5, but with less disappointment, more off-days and the occassional snow - and as evidenced by the leaderboard (where a good dozen free agent hitters reside among the top 25), it's yet to become clear whether the old guy is reliable or the young horse is actually a stud or delaying his trip to the glue factory.

The Darned Sox (322.5) @ Slipstream Starlings (304)
Failing to take after their respective relief pitchers, the Sox couldn't blow it and the the Starlings couldn't cheat them fair. While the Starlings could've held out hope that Johjima might have actually played a game in the past 5 days, that would've also allowed more opportunities for Hafner & Ibanez to smack the ball around for the Sox. I'd stick a Pronk Bar up my ass if Kenji is bettering those 2 by himself. The real Capitol Punisher: John Patterson.

Da Infidels (253.5) @ Savage Sickos (317.5)
After acquiring Thunder Howard (5-23, 0 HR) and Lightning Soriano (6-28, 0 HR) over the offseason, it appeared Da Infidels were on their way to accomplishing the mission of winning baseball, but so far it's turned into nothing but shock and awe. Even though the Sickos' arms were bogged down, including ace northpaw Chris Carpenter, with AlexRod and Vernon Wells (who slipped all the way to #9 in the draft) holding up the offense, the Sickos are one step closer to securing a playoff upset for some other team.

Not So Fragile Flowers (299.5) @ All The Wrong Cubs (335)
Now we turn to the team that was perhaps most screwed over by the lake effect snowouts in Cleveland last week - NSFF. With Gravy Sizemore performing at the level he was, and extrapolating that across 3 more games, he would've scored...this is a back of the napkin calculation...93 more points, easily leading the NSFF to victory. Instead, the curse of the Piniero lives on and the sub-300 streak begins. ATWC rode an uncharacteristically hot start from AramisRam and chose the best 2 out of his possible 4 closers to secure the victory over their long-time rivals and a share of first place. If the playoffs started today, it'd have been the shortest regular season ever.

The Consummate Bastards (369) @ Festivus Miracles (359)
The highest scoring game of the week, despite the fact that (a) Albert Pujols posted a mere 15 points and (b) 2 of the CoBa starting pitchers were washed out. You're right if you're thinking that's the perfect recipe for a letdown. If the FM had read the draft review, he'd have started Javy Vazquez instead of Mussina and next thing you know, he's looking at Vazquez having a horrible start and Mussina tossing a no-hitter and blaming me. Glad that didn't happen. Altho he'd have lost under either scenario.

Jackanapes (299.5) @ Naps (292)
The matchup of the DCBA champions centered around the outings of the two most questionable personnel decisions coming into the year: #1 pick Daisuke Matsuzaka and keeper Rich Hill. Verdict: these guys don't look like idiots yet (for these decisions, at least) . And it's a good thing that the pitching carried them through, because the hitting was offensive, no pun intended. Jackanapes batting average: .2189; Naps batting average: .2188.

Player of The Week (Week 1): Alex "AlexRod" Rodriguez
Pitcher of The Week (Week 1): Scot "Scott" Shields

Pick to Click (Week 2): Akinori Iwamura
Pitch to Click (Week 2): Salomon Torres

TransAction Monday

Da Infidels' GM finally got around to opening up the newspaper he writes for and reading the news that Rafael Furcal sprained his ankle 2-1/2 weeks ago. Jhonny Peralta was picked up for $1 to fill in for Furcal, with Hank Blalock being dropped.

Having Peralta one week earlier to fill the points void Furcal left in the first week probably would not have made up the 64-point deficit vs. the Sickos, but in this day and age where Jose Reyes can score 41 points (the 3rd highest offensive output in Week One), anything is possible.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an F for Finally.

The Darlings of the Split-Screen...er...um...Slipstream Starlings got a little rattled by the rush of John Patterson after one very lousy week. JP's two starts last week netted a total of 8 points. If I can find a calculator...yes...there we go...I see that's an average of 4 points per start. Wowee Zowee, that's bad. Patterson was sent off to a date with an Ikea...in the sky. The suddenly something Kip Wells -- owner of a 41 point first week, or 20.5 points per start -- was picked up for $1.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an A for All Right for Now.

The Not So Fragile Flowers can drop the Not So anytime, as both rostered catchers (repeat after me: both. rostered. catchers!) went down with injuries. Paulie Lo Duca -- a fine fill-in, and hot (baseball-wise) to boot -- was picked up for $2 (repeat after me: two. dollars!). Ramon Hernandez -- one of the aforementioned rostered/injured catchers -- was dumped to make room.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an F for Fragiltastic.

And that brings us to the sad case of the Jackanapes. A famous practitioner of the Don't Worry About Closers strategy is now running around like an idiot, collecting all the fat, ugly, old closers he can find. Todd Jones? Bob Wickman? At 470 pounds, that's a lot of rancid, hairy meat for $2. At least the Jones cut is smoked. The DL'd Dotel was dropped along with -- for inexplicable reasons -- Chris Ray.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give this move an B for emBarrassing.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week.

TransAction Thursday

Idle hands are the devil's playthings, and when it only costs a fake buck to play, the result is bound to be interesting. Or not. Regardless, enter stage left directly to The Consummate Bastards bench the Bossman, B.J. Upton. If no news is good news, then one more Devil Ray is...something else. As a tarnished prospect with no real position, the Bossman fits quite nicely the organizational mold of The Consummate Bastards, and can serve as the hood ornament to a steamroller.

Rating: **

[****: Don Zimmer's Helmet/***: Mr. Met's Hat/**: Tilted Brim Where You Are Not Abe Alvarez The Pitcher With Only One Good Eye/*: Standard Issue Rally Cap]

TransAction Monday

And we're off! Opening Day is here one day after ESPN-Fabricated Opening Night.

This first FAAB of the regular season was a little anticlimactic due to the early Period One line-up deadline.

All the Wrong Cubs came up a day late and a dollar too much in order to replace the dl-bound Carlos Quentin (RF-Diamondbacks) with Cubs RF'er Jacque Jones. Though not eligible for Period One, Jones should provide some much needed comic relief in upcoming scoring periods. How many points for a limp throw from RF that bounces before the cut-off man?

Kelvim Escobar was released to the Free Agent pool. I'll start the bidding at...NOT.

On the F-A-A-B scale, I'll give this move an A for Appropriate.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week.