Getting to Know...The Darned Sox

Many of you may have noticed that Christopher Miller is no longer with us. League-wise, that is. He's still alive from what I hear. In fact, he was recently hired as a Beer Vendor at Miller Park. Unfortunately his contract states that he may not participate in fantasy baseball. Thus, we bid him a fond farewell. Farewell, Bernie Brewer; I wish you a lifetime of chomping on an everlasting Bratwurst.

So who is taking his place in Ye Olde DCBAe?

After scouring the country for a replacement and reviewing countless applications, we found a taker. His name is Jonathan Hooker and he's from Dallas, Texas.

Jonathan and I recently sat down for a lengthy chat. Below is a transcript.

Commissioner Johnston: Welcome, welcome. Thanks for joining us.

Jonathan Hooker: Allow me to preface my answers with a thank you to the kind people of the 'Da Chicagoland Baseball Association who were in charge of admitting me and caring to ask this stuff. Your invite, acceptance, and especially, this questionnaire is a testament to your decency. I'm humbled that you care to know what I'd think about anything let alone these important questions. I thought people from the big city were supposed to be aloof, not like us bumpkins from the country/Dallas.

CJ: First things first: Do you go by Jonathan or Jon?

JH: Written: Either. Spoken: Jonathan. I can make no guarantees that I'll know you're talking specifically to me if you use Jon. I go through brief phases where I'll use Jon as a handle. I haven't in a while. So the edge goes to Jonathan.

CJ: I think the No. 1 question on our leaguemates' minds is: Who ARE you exactly and how did you get in this league?

JH: I am Jonathan Peter Hooker. 30, SWM, Dallas Texas. I enjoy snuggling, romantic dinners, etc. I have an 8 month old golden retriever that I really love. But she's a pain in the fucking ass, eating remote controls and such. I broke my kneecap twice in as many months last fall. I grew up playing hockey and some baseball.

I frequently read and post on the Electrical Audio forums. I was the first one to pounce on Brent of the Consumate Bastards' invite. I'd been wanting in a keeper league for several years, but I am seemingly surrounded by basketball and football fans. (I am at or very near that point in my life where I wonder what I actually have in common with my friends. Put a different way, maybe the universe just 'assigned' them to me.) I've tried to start one here and there, but nothing's happened.

CJ: Hooker, eh? What is the Most Memorable Insult Endured Due to Your Last Name?

JH: I don't get it.

No, I do. Nothing memorable or unique. I'd be happy if the most memorable thing wasn't just a lot of "Hey, Hooker...are you a Hooker?" in gym class. I do appreciate it when someone points out that all three of my names, tangentially, have something sexual about them. Because Hooker isn't a good name to have in your email address, and I can't stand those ones with numbers and underscores I created my darnedsock handle as a salut to my grandma who always repaired my hockey socks. It worked out well when coming up with a fantasy baseball team name. Sounds silly when you give it to someone serious.

CJ: What do you do in Texas?

JH: I currently attend the University of North Texas. I am a PhD student in the philosophy department. I am trying to finish my master's thesis in political science on Plato and Machiavelli. I study political philosophy. I would be better at this were it not for fantasy baseball. UNT is located in Denton, about 40 miles north. It's a mediocre school that's huge but that most Texans don't even know about. It's mostly for people from the northern half of Texas who either don't want to tell their parents they don't give a damn about going to college or are transferring in from junior college. I fell into the former category. It has one or two very good programs. I accidently happened upon a couple of excellent teachers near the end of my undergrad years. These men really changed my way of thinking and effectively spared me a life that was limited to shitty weed and video games. I stuck around UNT for them, but should've moved to a place that was more friendly to my area of interest before I could do damage to my transcripts. Somethings didn't go my way, compounded with the flux of my 20s and trying to be an adult but basically only being prepared to be a child, and I 'let myself go.' My unhappiness and tendency toward despair snowballed and then things really didn't turn out well. History cannot be rewritten. Shit.

CJ: Man. A PhD student in Philosophy! You've joined the right league. We now have the oddest assortment of owners in Fantasy Baseball history: an historian, an Australian, a war correspondent, a screenwriter/filmmaker, a consummate bastard, a consultant to the Military Industrial Complex, a part-time stay-at-home dad, and a pair of cousins - one the tallest in the league, the other the shortest.

Maybe you can put your knowledge of philosophy to this age-old query: Why do you think that even though the island of Hispaniola contains both Haiti AND the Dominican Republic, only the DR produces quality ballplayers?

JH: Does Haiti produce *any* ballplayers? The language. It's a well-known fact that french-speaking people throw like girls. They sure can't fight worth a shit. Haitians speak french. Therefore, Haitians throw like girls. Seriously, I'd bet language has a lot to do with it. They're both poor countries, so I'd bet economics has far less to do with it than way of life or political conditions.

CJ: If you could invite 3 people, living or dead, to a dinner party where the after-dinner entertainment consists only of Russian Roulette, who would they be?

JH: First person would be Socrates. He'd be the first I'd invite to anything. Maybe Bon Scott because I'm going through a big AC/DC phase and I imagine he'd be fun to party with. Bin Laden might be a tempting answer because I'd like to see his brains splattered on the wall, and would be willing to risk it if forced into this arrangement. Definitive list:

Socrates

Aristophanes (Greek comedic playwrite)

Machiavelli

All are funny as shit when you read them closely (at least the Socrates of Plato and Xenophon) but profoundly thoughtful while being attentive to fart jokes. I'd want to go out laughing after having some good conversation (assuming we could get over the language barrier). It'd also be nice to go light's out before I could forget what they said. If language is a problem, the list would be revised.

CJ: Since our league is comprised mostly of Philistines who can barely read the back of a Froot Loops box, let's switch gears to sports. Do you have any allegiance to a particular MLB team? If so, why?

JH: Not in the metaphysical sense. Or family sense. I don't come from a long line of X fans. I've been pulling for the Red Sox the last 10 years or so. It was that game where Pedro came in (in the 3rd) against the Indians and just aced them when he could hardly throw 80. They were so plucky. I think that was in '99? **[Editors note: Maybe it was this game?]**

I was born in NYC. My first memory was my dad taking me to a New York Ranger game. He told me, basically, that we root for the Rangers because we live in NY. This made sense. He is from East Texas. We moved here when I was a tyke, and he grew up rooting for the Tigers--well before the Texas Rangers had arrived. He tried to get me to root for the Tigers. I wasn't buying this. I rooted for the Rangers for about a year or so, but then realized, that since I was a NYRanger fan and technically from NY, I should be NYYankee fan. (The Mets didn't exist in my mind, being this is an AL town.) So I was a Yankee fan growing up. They disgust me now, but up until that '01 series, they were pretty respectable if not admirable and likable. I do thank the Yankees for sparing me from being attached to maybe the least successful franchise in all professional sports (TX Rangers).

I've become more and more fond of the Cubs because I can watch them most days. Day time in Texas is too hot to do anything more than watch TV, so the Cubs' schedule works out really well. I naturally like the older, more established clubs. I make no attempt to justify any hypocrisy in that. Ivy and the Green Monster are just cool. I also suspect that the NL plays better ball. Smarter, more hustling, etc. I think Bouden says this in 'Ball Four.'

CJ: How do you like your baseball uniforms: Stirrups or Full Pant Leg?

JH: This is a tortuous question. I want to be the traditionalist, but I've thought about this a bit. It all depends on the stirrups. If we're talking the stirrups where it's just a stripe from pant cuff to shoe (Frank Robinson), then long pants. If we're talking about stirrups where there's actual color showing over the sock and below the pant cuff (Carlton Fisk), then I'd go stirrups. I would be open to the idea that some people just look retarded in one but not the other. I also like the stirrup socks to have some stripes. I recall the Red Sox and Cardinals stirrups used to have stripes on the thick part. They should get back to this. I do kinda like that look where the whole sock is a contrasting color. That might be a viable alternative. When I played, I didn't like the feel of the stirrup in my shoe.

CJ: What's your take on the Designated Hitter rule?

JH: I hate the DH. I know it's not trendy to like the Cubs--they are cutesy--but I just can't pay attention to an AL game anymore. So I really enjoy watching Cubs games. I hate the DH so much, I often think that I'd like to do away with it in fantasy baseball as well. Were there a way to have pitchers contribute to your offense, I'd prefer that. Not that I'm sold on small ball or anything. It (1) makes the game more interesting; (2) Is retarded to see everyone have to play both ways except 2 dudes; (3) have one league play by different rules.

CJ: I know it's tough inheriting a roster over which you had no control. However, you have some nice young players on board. In your opinion, which current Darned Sox was more deserving of the 2006 NL Rookie of the Year Award: Hanley Ramirez (Winner), Ryan Zimmerman (2nd Place), Dan Uggla (3rd Place)?

JH: Wait a minute, lemme look at the stats. It's been a long winter. OK. While I can't say this is what I'd have said to you in October, I'd go Ramirez, Uggla, Zimmerman. Preliminarily. The first two play the more difficult positions. I'm partial to 2nd base because that's what I was when I was a kid. I'd argue its got the hardest move on the field with the throw to first in a 6/5-4-3 DP, since he's running the other way. Maybe I'd go Uggla first. Fuckit, Uggla.

CJ: And finally, Mariano Rivera enters games with Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' playing; when Carlos Lee steps into the batter's box Van Halen's 'Panama' is playing. (For a full list of player intro songs click here.) What would YOUR song be?

JH: I would probably have a bank of 5 or 6 songs to play on random, rather than be one of those guys with just one. They'd include:

• Q Lazzarus' "Goodbye Horses"--the song Buffalo Bill did the tuck dance to in Silence of the Lambs

• Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog" if allowable.

• AC/DC's "Jailbreak"

• Satie's "Gymnopedie #1"

• Stars of the Lid's... whatever. It'd all sound the same in a stadium full of people.

• Silence, if allowable. If not that, then that Philip Glass song that's basically just silence.

If Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams didn't need a theme song, then neither would I.

CJ: Thanks for your time, Jonathan. Oh wait. One more thing. DeRosa for Sheets?

JH: Maybe, if I were Jim Hendry.

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Gentlemen: please welcome Jonathan and The Darned Sox to our fair league.