An Interview With Savage Sickos

Howaboutthem Bebop Cowboys!

As we check in with the all-time winningest man in DCBA history (33-15, .688), the G-man himself.

When we last spoke (2005), you were just starting out here in the DCBA. You've stuck around, but still I must ask, how has the experience been?
It's been a joy...during the regular season. Then the playoffs hit and my gag reflex kicks in and all of my players simultaneously choke. It's a problem I hope they're going to get out of their systems early, since they're all doing a great job of choking right now (except A-Rod, but we all know he waits for the playoffs).

Smart moves - have you had any?
I might have to say drafting Adam Dunn my first season, if only because I know how much one owner coveted him. So much so he offered up Jason Kendall as trade bait back in the day - what was I thinking not jumping on that? Actually though I might have to go with me trading Dan Uggla for Carlos Lee. It filled needs for both myself and the fantasy team that was made up mostly of Brewers at the time.

Not that you were able to spend a great deal of time with our one-and-done Brewers-loving owner outside of draft day, but what were your impressions of him and his team?
He seemed very nice, although much like me I think in his first draft he was a bit too much of a homer. For me it worked out well - I'm a White Sox fan. Too bad he didn't hold on another year since the Brewers are finally on a tear. But then we wouldn't have The Darned Sox, and we'd be missing out on having him around.

Conversely, what boners?
Any time I picked up Tim Wakefield. Or drafting Conor Jackson, who - if I recall correctly - you said was a "steal." You can steal him from me if you want - I won't stop you. Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn't include trading a large wad of cash to Brent for Matt Clement only hours before he got beaned in the head by a line drive and his season was effectively ended. I don't blame Brent since he had no way of knowing, but if he did - we'd all better watch out. Maybe that's how he scores so many damn points - he's like Nic Cage in "Next."

It's widely held that pitching wins championships. How do you plan to overcome the loss of your dependable ace, Chris Carpenter?
Two words: Tim Wakefield. (AL ERA leader!) No but seriously, I don't have a clue. Luckily Chris's desire to trade for John Lackey in the off-season convinced me to keep him, so at least I'm not stuck with AJ Burnett or Erik Bedard as my ace. I don't really have any trade bait since all of my hitters like to take off Sundays (never seen so many 0-fers before in my life), so I might have to ride it out and hope that Jon Garland starts taking some steroids. Kidding! But seriously - dude, try to strike some guys out once in a while. The Sox don't need another James Baldwin.

Go tell it on the mountain, native son.

Some in our readership would like to know, where are you coming up with these team names?
Bebop Cowboys was a variation on the anime' title "Cowboy Bebop." Add in that I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan and it seemed like a natural choice. I was going to call my team the Bebop Colts this season in honor of fellow choker Peyton Manning, but then he had to go and win the Super Bowl. Maybe that's a good sign for me. Savage Sickos is the name of the horror movie compilation that my no-budget horror movie "When Heaven Comes Down" appears on. That's the cover you see as my avatar. You can buy it at Best Buy and online at amazon.com for $9.99. What a deal!

You're a political guy, and I must say you're a bit of a liberal, wouldn't you say? How do you reconcile that with having a player on your team, like an Alex Rodriguez, who contributes exclusively to Republican candidates and/or conservative causes?
The only players I refuse to have on my team are known steroid users. We all know those guys are all neo-cons. And hey I can't blame millionaire ball players for investing in candidates that want to make sure they get all the tax breaks they can. It's smart business. Why do you think they all own houses in Florida and Texas?

Speaking of, did you know that Heather Thomas has donated $2,300 to Obama for President? Who knew that she had that kind of money to throw around? Was she stealing from Lee Majors? What's in it for her?
Did you know those aren't her breasts that make an appearance in "Zapped!" The dead giveaway is that she's a blond and the woman who owns the tits is a brunette. Oops.

Anyhow, back to the drugs...10 of the 16 players who have been busted for using steroids have been pitchers, and apart from Rafael Palmeiro, none of the position players were "sluggers." Why do you think the focus is on the hitters?
To quote the all-too-often used line, "chicks dig the long ball." I think it's easier for the average person to accept that a guy who went from 180 lbs up to 250 is using that weight to jack a homer, but they don't understand that for pitchers it's all about leg strength ("but he throws the ball with his arm! how can that be?" a stupid person might say). It's amazing to me that neither Kerry Wood nor Mark Prior are under investigation since they show all of the telltale signs. Increased strength early in their careers? Check. Constant injuries? Check. Inability to actually last a whole season? Mmhmm. As a former wrestling fan I worry that in 10 - 15 years a lot of these guys on the 'roids now are going to end up dead in their hotel rooms with heart attacks at 45.

As many of us know, you're a writer/director/producer of movies. What would you say is the best and/or your favorite baseball movie out there?
Hmm...I think "The Natural" is great, although it's reeeaaaallllllyyyy slow until the end, but that's all anybody remembers so it's cool. "Major League" is also one of those that if I flip by it on cable I'll end up watching for half an hour. There's one new classic I haven't seen yet - some Japanese zombie baseball movie called "Battlefield Baseball" that I'd love to see. I mean come on - baseball AND zombies? What's not to love?

Do you have any scenarios in mind for a baseball-themed movie? If so, can we all have walk-on roles, or have our team names mentioned?
I have zero baseball movie scenarios, although if you like I can mention you guys in other projects I'm working on. Although the urban crime drama might not be the best place to have someone named "The Naps." What did that stand for again?

Roughly translated, it stands for 2006 league champion, thanks for asking.

Most players have a 'theme song' of their choosing played while they're coming to bat, and most closers also have 'theme songs.' a. Do you find it annoying that more than one reliever would use the same song ("Enter Sandman," "Hell's Bells")? b. What would you batting song be? c. Would you have a different one in mind if you were a closer?

a. I think it would only be annoying if the closers were both pitching in the same game. Then the away pitcher should be forced to play something else, and it would be the home PA announcer's choice. But there aren't all that many great songs that the crowd will pop for (wrestling term) and something like "Enter Sandman" will get the metalheads in the crowd pumped.
b. Speaking of Metallica, I'm not a huge fan but hearing "Sad But True" come over the PA system while walking up to the plate would be a really cool feeling. However for something more personal Helloween has a great song called "The Departed (Sun Is Going Down)" that's really kick ass. Nobody in the stands would recognize it, but they'd think it was cool. Or maybe Black Sabbath's "Symptom of the Universe." Oh I know - Dio's "Stand Up and Shout." That would rule.
c. I think as a closer you need something intimidating, but it can have a faster tempo. How about "Lights Out" from UFO? Might be a little too cocky, but would be cool to run up to the mound to. Godsmack's "I Stand Alone" might be good too, especially as a closer.

And I'm sure Nancy Faust would be more than willing to bust out a mean organ version of "Lump" by the Presidents of the United States if those weren't available.

Which baseball player, past or present, do you think most resembles you?
Oh lord, I have no idea. I have the unmanageable parted hair of an A.J. Pierzynski, but I run faster. Do I remind you of anyone? I think we all know that Brent looks just like Chris Carpenter.

Which baseball play do you think most resembles you?
I'm not sure if it resembles me or not, but I have one memory where I was in a company softball game playing right field. Man on second, fly ball to me, and this pantload on second actually thinks he can tag up and take third. So I make the catch and throw the ball into the third baseman's glove, which is literally on the ground in front of the bag (she wasn't exactly a great player). He slides right into it. Out at third. Suck on that, Doughy McDoublePlay (that's not for you, it's for the guy who tried to take the base). So I guess I'm saying that my softball/baseball memories are limited. Although I did hit an in-the-park homerun once. Maybe that's what I resemble - against all I odds, and thanks to two throws that weren't right on target, I made it home. Or a strike out. Any of those. Hey, what do you expect of me, that's not a great question.

I guess that's why I get paid the big bucks nothing.

Ohhhh wait - I know what play it is. It was one of our games where I was in right, a line drive drops in front of me, takes a HUGE bounce, I somehow get up high enough to glove it, then promptly throw it out on to the street beyond third base about 20 yards away from anybody in the park, much less our field. Which, in a way, is a complete f*** up of the play I remember so fondly. That's me in a nutshell.

We couldn't have been a 2-16 team without you (1-17, maybe, but definitely not 2-16).