TransAction Monday

The Five Stages of Fantasy Baseball Grief
1. Denial -- "My team will be fine. They'll start hitting. And pitching. Any day now."
2. Anger -- "Just hit the ball, LOSER! And you -- you pitching clown -- stop WALKING people."
3. Massive Roster Changes:

Jackanapes dumped the injured Mike Piazza and picked up Ramon Hernandez ($4). Hernandez, who missed most of April with an oblique strain, has -- in the words of CBS Sportlsine -- "come off the DL on fire..." This is the word of the Lord.

In desperate need of reliable starting pitching, the Jackanapes inexplicably picked up DL-bait Kelvim Escobar ($1), while sending Al Reyes off to the waiver wire, where some smart owner will pick him up and ride out the streak to fantasy baseball victory.

And out of nowhere, the Jackanapes picked up Ken Griffey ($1) while Matt Garza is sent to continue to wait for the Ponson/Silva Conflagration that is sure to come.

4. Desperate Trades -- [Stay tuned]
5. Justifying it All by Stating that Keepers will Blossom in 2011.

All the wrong Cubs also had a catcher hit the DL this week when they discovered Joe Mauer's quad was bleeding. (What is it with ATCW and catchers? As if Michael Barrett's broken scrotum wasn't painful enough last year.) ATWC tried to staunch the bleeding with two backstops: Johnny Estrada ($1) and Bengie Molina ($1), while sending the DL-bound Adam Loewen and the slow-starting Carlos Quentin back to the locker room.

Snap, Crackle, Pop. The sound of krisped rice in a cereal bowl or the sound of Joel Zumaya's knuckle? The Consummate Bastards know the answer and have turned to Turnbow, Derrick ($2) whilst Joel Zumaya spends a couple weeks on the DL (and the free agent list). The big question is: During his vacation will Zumaya still be able to mash along to "More Than a Feeling" on Guitar Hero Deuce?

Why stop at one Brewer when two will do? 15th Round Bastard draft pick Yovani Gallardo ($2) (who was dropped for Greinke on 3/22 [who was dropped for Billy Butler on 5/3]) re-ups with the Bastards. Gallardo, who is mowing 'em down in Triple A, has these dudes in his Baseball Prospectus player comps: Jake Peavy, Rich Harden, Scott Kazmir, Carlos Zambrano, and Milt Fucking Pappas. Will he Lincecum to the majors or Lincestay in the minors?

The Slipstream Starlings picked up a motley brew crew of their own, acquiring the rippin'-hot slice of beef J.J. Hardee's ($5) and dropping the ice-cold Chad Tracy in the process. The surprisingly-solid Claudio Vargas ($2) was also acquired with the deletion of Kip Wells from our collective memories.

What does it take to shake the Festivus Miracles out of their non-transactin' ways? The re-emergence (for one start at least) of long-time companion Noah Lowry ($1). Jose Contreras was deported to make room.

Da Infidels paid for two-starts of Mark Hendrickson ($2) (letting go of prospect Adam Miller) but then promptly benched him for the since-demoted to AAA Anibal Sanchez.

And the Savage Sickos take on uber-grinder Aaron Rowand ($2) to replace Conor Jackson's roster slot. Sure, he may be hitting .363/.444/.566 on the season, but just think of how many points he'll earn by joe-hustling and running into walls and shit.

On the F-A-A-B grading scale, I give all of the above moves an A for A Lot.

TransAction Mondays are provided by Commissioner Johnston for entertainment/reference purposes only and should be taken in the spirit in which they are written: with camaraderie and affection. TransActions are graded on the FAAB Scale, where F, A, A, and B represent whatever is convenient in any given week.