TWIDCBA: Week 12

Dear members of the DCBA, not only has our rookie member, Mr. Jonathan Darned Sock, gained control of first place, but he's now also supplanted the Nap-oleonic 2006 champion in writing This Week In The DCBA. To the victor goes the toils.


First, an ass slap to Craig Biggio who the Rangers' announcers just informed me personally, on the air, that this double he just hit made him the all-time leader in deuces for righties.

In the order of matchups on my scoreboard:

The Darned Sox (310) @ All the wrong Cubs (333.5)
It was a week of division rivalries. In the Unstoppable Forces Division the Cubs were a game behind the Sox. They aren't anymore. Despite a heroic effort from the short-leashed Ian Kinsler (42), the Cubs got it done by committee, and the Sox continue to fritter against division foes. Eric Byrnes continues to impress until he opens his insufferable mouth on Fox's game of the week. The Sox mistakenly went with Dontrelle Willis even though it was apparent even to the Sox's team mom (who brought the post-game Dr. Peppers this week) that he was puttering out. Hometown 'closer' [NB: Sarcastic single quotation marks] Eric Gagne looked good despite pitching in meaningless situations for an even more meaningless and contraction-worthy team. Hopefully, Rangers GM John Daniels will trade him for a used fungo bat and some broken down shit just like he did Chris Young, CoCo Cordero, Kevin Mench, and Soriano, and the Sox will actually have a closer pitching in closing situations in the second half. Seriously, has there ever been a historically worse team in the history of ever than the Texas Rangers? Arizona Cardinals? Even the Washington Capitals made it to the finals. As for the Cubs, who the hell is S. Marshall?

Consummate Bastards (345) @ the Jackanapes (291)
The Jackanapes got a raw deal, I say. While the J'apes only scored a meager 24 points on the final day of the series, the Bastards managed 74. Were this only a 6 day week... The Bastards managed this with only 11 points from Brian "Pepper" McCann, 16 from Steven Drew, and a lightweight 17 from heavyweight Miguel Cabrera. Of course, as these things go, the Jack's bench scored a hefty 104.5. Yanni Gallardo rocked the house with 38.5 points. I should point out that the Rangers passed on this kid too.


Naps (259) @ Not So Fragile Flowers (243.5)
Both teams brought their defenses this week. Which is good, because neither brought their offense. It was really Johann Sebastian Carlos Santana's week: 50.5! Were that not enough, it was also long-time life partners Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent combining for 51 thus effectively carrying Hafner and Andru Jones who continues to flirt with the Mendoza Line and who HOF softy Bobby Cox mistakenly puts in the starting lineup every damned game. After that, it gets ugly all over. At least the Flowers were uglier by committee though with 7 guys scoring over 20 points to the Naps' 4 20-pointers. Continued clubhouse infighting between Gamer Jason Varitek and HOF Sandbagging Pussy Chipper Jones continues to rock the Flowers. Will the GM have to step in? Word has it Pedro Gomez is being reassigned from Bonds to cover this mess. Who the hell is C. James?

Da [sic] Infidels (251.5) @ The Festivus Miracles (347)
I'm trying to be polite here, but ouch. Sparkling weeks by Ryan Howard and Mayor Alfonse Soriano couldn't make up for some woeful starting pitching by the Infidels. Colorado starter Judd Hirsch still smarting from the cancellation of "Dear John" managed just 3.5 points for the week begging the question, why would anyone have a Rockies starter on their roster? Be that as it may, Yankees 'ace' Chien-andalusia Wang managed 2 more than that, and Jason "Hesitating" Marquis managed one more than that. Not trying to pile on, but Bronson Arroyo and Jerrod [sic] Washburn were on the bench while Gil Meche and Hirsch were out there. What were they doing on that bench? They were busy scoring a tantalizing 14.5 and mind-blowing 23 points, respectively, for the bench squad. On the bright side, The Infidels' bench absolutely kicked the Miracles' bench's ass 104-42.5. [Still not good enough to beat the Jackanapes' bench.] On the other side of things, super utility man Chone [sic] Figgins plopped a steaming pile of 38 points on things thus leading the way for a stellar showing by the Miracles' infield (147 points). Huzzah. Da Infidels still have the best post-game spread with the freshest Parkerhouse rolls in the league, though.

Sickos (318.5) @ Slipstream Starlings (282)
In the Immovable Objects Division we also had the first place team at the second place's park. Here, the Sickos overcame having to bat in the top of the innings to win by about 40 points (I'm eyeballing it.) Bartolo Colon sat this one out despite having two starts this week, but never mind that, he only scored 21 points for the Starlings' bench. Darling Starlings John Maine and Josh Beckett brought the rock with 42.5 and 44 points, respectively. Unfortunately not enough to carry an unproductive infield (60). Some guy named Johnson scored only 4 points for the Sickos. Sicko Brian Roberts capped a good week for 2Bmen with 41 points. [Kinsler, 42; O Hudson, 20; H Kendrick, 29; Weeks, 20; Kent, 26; Uggla, 32.]


Finally, the Sox would like to ask for a moment of silence for longtime Sox great Rod Beck. Rod first joined us back in our inaugural season in '98, teaming up with Mike Timlin and Mariano Rivera for the 'beat 'em with the bullpen' Sox. Beck re-upped with the Sox in '99 when Timlin and Rivera walked. For every year after including his improbable but fortunate return to the Bigs in 2004, Beck spent time on the Sox roster who, save their debut season, have never actually had a closer . He was a fan favorite and no Sock will ever wear #47 again. Requiescat in pace.