Transaction de Monday

Unhappy managers make lots of moves!!!

Coming to you live from my first time using Firefox here. Unlike the Clint Eastwood super plane, it does not obey my thoughts.

There was a ton of movement early Monday morning. As such, my evaluation method will be based on whatever I feel like at the time. I want to get back to reading Harry Potter.

All the Wrong Cubs made three earth-shaking moves: First up, nicked up super control pitcher Randy "Hungry Like the" Wolf got dumped for Ryan "Donnie" Garko for $1. Also on his way out was Orlando Hudson in order to make way for Aaron "Hamburger" Hill. The price was right at $1. The tertiary move--I wanted to drop "tertiary" in tonight--was the replacement of the mercurial Rich Harden with Joe Saunders, SP for the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, $1.



Not ones to stand pat, the Savage Sickos pulled out some sadistic shit too. Getting the axe, was White Sox hero Jose Contreras who will be replaced with Lenny DiNardo for $1. Getting axed to leave was broke down ace Chris Carpenter. This one hurts. He's going under the knife and'll likely be out until around this time next year... if he's lucky. Taking his place in the rotation is ace RF Nick Markakis, the Greek god of crab cakes, or possibly just crabs, for the price of $1. That he's out 12 months has gotta hurt in a keeper league. Hold a good thought for the Sickos.



The Slipstream Starlings ditched SS JJ Hardy who has been sputtering of late. The Lesson: Sell high, gentlemen. Hardy came out of the gates like gangbusters and might have been used to take some poor schmo--like me--to the cleaners. Now, his replacement is some Devil Ray 1B about whom Chris or Al made look good in the first half recap. His name, Carlos Pena. His price, $1.



Not one to disappoint us by not digging up the most obscure possible finds, The Consummate Bastards made a couple of moves, one absolutely breathtaking. First, the extramundane: Season-long underachiever (.212) Rickie "Nine and Half" Weeks got cut to make room for Jeff Kent, who's coming out of retirement. If I understand this correctly, Kent has a bit of history with a certain DCBA manager. I don't know if that's this manager, but what the hell. I can't imagine anyone else bid on Kent, though he is a solid performer at a shaky position. TCBs overpaid at $3. Still, a good pick. Not happy with Weeks' hair apparent [$2 DCBA to the first one to get that reference.], TCBs dropped Howie Kendrick who inconveniently found his way onto the DL just when TCBs' patience with Weeks wore out. In to replace him at backup 2B is middleman Pat Neshek, a Scot Shields clone who actually has better numbers than Shields, but not as many points. Pity, TCBs should've rung because Shields could've been theirs.



After an afternoon of doing the math to find out they were mathematically beaten by the fuckin' Infidels, The Darned Sox took their blankie and prized World B. Free Fleer card into the dog's kennel to curl up in a fetal position, sob, and do some soul-searching. Being 8-8 at this point wouldn't sting so much if it didn't include a 5 week losing streak. One capped by a team with one win to its name and apparently forsaken by its manager. I mean really... Proposals to a certain team this week rudely went unanswered or counteroffered even though they concerned players On the Block and addressed stated needs. I won't name the team, but I'll give you a hit: The team names sounds like Best of Us Empiracals. Still, something needed to be done. Anything needed to be done. Sputtering SP Matt Morris, his velocity down, his prescription to Levitra expired, got zipped up and put away in favor of short-term Hanley Ramirez (dislocated shoulder) insurance policy Jason "President" Bartlett. The price: $2. One dollar for the player, and one dollar for despiration's sake. Dropped simply because his manager was cruising the free agent pool with all the discretion of a drunk sailor port-calling in Bangkok was Scot Shields. Why TDS stuck with Shields no one can say. It's one of those dysfunctional relationships you see on TV, where one spouse with a black eye says about the other with the busted lip "I still love him." In to replace Shields in the imaginary bullpen is Florida Marlins closer Kevin Gregg who should've been a Darned Sock long ago, if you ask me. This happened for the bargain basement price of $2. Apropos that "Bridge Over Troubled Water" just started playing on my iTunes. Now taking odds on whether TDS make the playoffs.



"Bringing up the rear" are the Not So Fragile Flowers who had a productive week, so I don't know why they're bellyachin'. First pickup was Kason Gabbard, the guy from Death Cab for Cutie who is currently replacing Curt Schilling in the Red Sox rotation. Gabbard's been solid, so don't be surprised if the Sox take their time with Schilling, and Gabbard hangs on for the NSFFs for a few weeks. Apparently, the NSFF went to the Darned Sox School of Fantasy Baseball Free Agent Bidding. $2. Anyone bid $1 on Gabbard? I promise you won't be called a schmuck. Gabbard takes Kevin Slowey's place in the rotation. Slowey is bringing up the rear in the All-Bad Name For a Pitcher category, just behind, David Riske, Homer Bailey (WTF?), Woody Williams, Braden Looper, et al. Slowey's back down on the farm, but look for someone to possibly pick him up if they're out of it and hold on to him for next year. Finally, NSFFs padded their pitching by dropping Micah Owings who both has a dumb first name and even dumber-looking facial hair. I saw it for myself during the Cubs game yesterday on WGN. He's struggled to make it through the 5th inning of most games. Perhaps a training regimen of shaving every other day from 120 feet in the outfield would build up some arm strength. Oh yeah, the guy replacing him is none other than Little Buddy Carlyle, the little freckle-faced fucker who used to wrap your houses back in middle school, purveyor of wet willies, Texas titty twisters (AKA purple hermans), and the guy who would pull that little locker loop ("fag tag") off the back of your shirt. He pulled down your sister's training bra during the pep rally. He turned his eyelids inside out and made the Jackanapes barf during lunch. Sportsline says he's come out of nowhere. We all know that to be a lie. He got out of the can. Sprung for $2. Now, he's blessed with the magical waters that flow through the Atlanta Braves pitching department. Life's a bitch.



Addendum

It has come to our attention that in the flurry of activity, the Jackanapes also made a move. Manny "the Body" Corpas, relief ace of the Colorado Rocky's was had for $1. Habeas has converted five saves in as many chances. His quest to convert more saves than chances remains thwarted by the rule about not being able to pitch yourself into a save situation, but he's young, has big dreams, so let's not tell him that. Manual replaces Rafael "the Lesser" Soriano who's taken a turn for the awful. Could you trust a face like his to not be befuttled on the Atlanta bump?



Well, better late than never, Jackanapes. But color me Raffy Soriano for the mistake.