TransAction Thursday

Over the SPAN of the first half, Circling the Drain took many NAPS. But recently, the team has SNAPped out of it and gone on quite the spending spree. Picks or PANS? Only Commissioner Johnston knows. And he will share with you. Right now...

Life Outside the Diamond is a Wrench
Before eloping with Circling the Drain ("CtD") and sailing around the world (where CtD will be the Ferdinand to his wayward girl) Mike Piazza hops on the playing field for $2. Long-coveted by CtD, Piazza cuts a fine figure squatting behind the dish, beckoning the pitcher with his curly eyelashes, his slender fingers going through a complicated array of signals that when stripped down to their very essence communicate nothing more than, "Whatever you have to pitch at me, I will catch to the best of my ability." And that's only as a DH!

CtD says, "I'm done with Sergio. Batters treat him like a ragdoll."

Piazza: PICK

Two-Buck Pat
"He is back folks [sic]," touts CBS Sportsline. He being Pat Burrell ($2). And as illustrated by this photo, he is back, indeed...all back.
But all Piazza-inspired HomoEro aside, Burrell's been hitting .419/.545/.581 since the break. There's hot talent out there, people. You just have to know where to look, like CtD does. Just follow the big black arrows.

CtD says, "Mr. Jones and me look into the future and stare at the beautiful women. And they don't like minor leaguers. DROP."

Burrell: PICK

Crystal Lake Southie
There's nothing like the smell of freshly tasered Marlin circling the drain and clogging up the sink. Scott Olsen ($1), who attended Crystal Lake (IL) South High School, which, if you can believe it, is full of even more stoners than WoodCoHigh [Hi, Gary; or should I say "High," Gary.], is a surprise pick-up by CtD. Surprising not because CtD's players are upstanding citizens and all-around-good guys [they aren't; in fact, it's the biggest collection of cheats, cons, and assholes on DCBA record], but surprising in that Olsen blows chunks. When he's drunk. And eluding police. And getting tasered. And spending the night in jail. And all that.

CtD says, "Danke Schoen, darling Danks a shame."

Olsen: PAN

Not that today's column is exclusively about CtD. There were certainly other significant transactions last night. The most significant being 'Da Infidels picking up Miguel Batista ($1). Batista isn't a monumental pick-up and Dan Johnson isn't a tremendous loss, but the fact 'Da Infidels logged on to the site is monumental news! Welcome back/home, sir. I guess a couple of victories renews interest in our national electronic pastime.

I've saved the most exciting pick-up for last because, well, it's the most exciting. This pick-up marks the first time in DCBA TransAction history that we have a Wheel-of-Fortune-like 'Before and After' on the incoming and departing player: Chris Duncan Hunter Pence. Fucking brilliant, you consummate bastard, you. Best. Pick-up. Ever.