TWIDCBA: Five Alive

Jonny Gomes, you're hitting .152/.222/.212. Less siesta'ing, more OPS'ing.

The Consummate Bastards 369 @ Slipstream Starlings 318.5

Quality and quantity. That's a nice combination to have from your starting pitchers, and a nice combination The Consummate Bastards had, with the staff averaging 33 pts/starter - 41 pts/starter, with a redonkulous 64 K in 53 IP, if Matt Cain's -0.5 is thrown out of the equation. This allows one and all to gloss over the fact that, aside from Prince Fielder, the CoBases's offense would be shutdown by Matt Cain. The Starlings offense was nothing to write home about, either, unless the home is a sanctuary for the physically abused; in that case, they'd be glad to hear there was no hitting going on. With 3 third-basemen on the roster, it's a challenge to work them all in at the same time and you wind up starting the wrong one occassionally (or 4 weeks out of 5, as the case may be).

Naps 351 @ All The Wrong Cubs 310

Mediocre pitching and adequate offense falls to less-mediocre pitching and slightly above-adequate offense. It's no Dewey Defeats Truman, but the formula worked well enough to allow the Naps to catch up to ATWC in the standings. Somehow, despite blowing away the rest of the league with a week-leading batting line of .358/.461/.570 and 213 points, ATWC were merely middle of the pack with runs & rbi (e.g., Derrek Lee on 5/5/07: 7 LOB). Aggregate stats for 8 of the 10 starters in this matchup: 38 IP, 24 ER, 1 QS. The 8 starting pitchers on the bench: 46 IP, 24 ER, 5 QS. Okay, we'll blame this one on the pitching.

Da Infidels 311 @ Not So Fragile Flowers 348.5

0-5: Da Infidels record or a typical Scott Rolen performance? C'mon, say "both." (You could've also gone off the board and answered correctly with "Not So Fragile Flowers record after 5 games: 2006.") After finally getting some pop from the bats of traded-away-multiple-draft-picks-for sluggers Alfonso Soriano and Ryan Howard, the Ayn Rand-loving Scott Rolen performs more like an abjectivist than an objectivist with his 1-21 performance, sinking the Infidels' chance to capture victory number 1. Ron Jeremy isn't known for his baseball expertise, but if he could provide any inspiration to DI, I imagine it would be this: you can still get into the playoffs through the back door. For the NSFF, Curt Schilling may be the only starter on the staff not named Chuck James without a Cy Young Award, but he's managed to pace them so far, painting socks and the corners of the plate with the hand-eye coordination of a level-9 Kicker of Elves. At 2-3, the NSFF have matched their best start in franchise history.

Savage Sickos 340 @ Festivus Miracles 313.5

Number of teams in Week 5 with more steals than homers: 1 - the SaSi's (7 SB, 5 HR).

Extrapolating Michael Cuddyer's 0-2, 3 pt. week out to 20 AB: 0-20, 30 points.

Paul Konerko in 21 AB: 4-21, 10 points.

Freddy Sanchez, 18 points - Eric Chavez, 7 points: 11 points.

Josh Willingham, 32 points - Pat Burrell, 17 points: 15 points.

JJ Putz, 27 points - Joe Nathan, 12.5 points: 14.5 points.

Margin of defeat for FM: 26.5 points.

Accounting for the luck of the draw: Pointless.

Jackanapes 275.5 @ The Darned Sox 334.5

Through 4 weeks, the opponents of the Jackanapes have averaged a league-low 293.75 points per game when facing them, meaning that if the Jackers had been able to muster a respectable 300 points or so a week, they could have a decent shot at a W. Then in come The Darned Sox to score 334.5, leaving the Jackers dejected and able only to put up 275.5. The Napes outhit TDS .254 to .250, as well as outslugged them .470 to .372, yet were unable to score or drive in more runs than their opponent. In his first matchup versus his longtime team, Travis Hafner missed the cycle by a triple, although to be fair, he only had 3 hits in toto. Speaking of Toto, Mike Piazza clicked his ruby red slippers and bid farewell to the team by outperforming his counterpart 6-5, but it's nothing that a hundred men or more couldn't ever do.