Transaction de Monday

As they near the end, they hope, they pray, for a .338 lifetime hitter.

I may or may not cover what the guy who is supposed to write on Thursday missed. I can't be busy to look at a calendar and see whose job it was. I'm too pissed to do too much detective work tonight. There's a certain Bastard to blame.

TRADE!!!

Looking for setup man relief, the Consummate Bastards obtained Eric "He Wins" Gagne from the Darned Sox. The Sox get Lastings Milledge. My scouting report says that if Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano had engaged in unprotected lovemaking, they could have birthed Milledge. Advantage: Bastards.

TRADE!!!

The emphasis was on fantasy in the not-so-fantastically-named DCBA this week. Reversing a trade that went down in June, The Darned Sox send half their team back to the Naps for slugger Travis Hafner. That half team includes: Hideki Matsui, Todd Helton, and Tom Gorzelanny. How can three players constitute half a starting nine, you ask? Well, that's because you're forgetting to convert to Japanese Yen. A little perspective: The Naps were 5-4 before the trade and 4-4 afterward. TDS were 6-3 before and 1-7 after. Advantage: Everyone who played the Sox between those two trades.

Even those who were too timid to trade souls down at the crossroads weren't so chickenshit not to go tinkering with their lineups:

The Naps, in order to make room for the influx of talent--the double agents they sent to the Darned Sox--set free 7th inning man Hideki Okajima and drunk driver Scott "Nellie" Olsen. Gagne and Gorzellany make better than adequate replacements. Grade: WTF

In a coup that lives true to his team name, The Consummate Bastard absolutely buttfucked The Darned Sox sneaky plan to bid for Francisco Liriano at $1. TDS, too, bid $1, certain that this would stick in many a craw of the DCBA as much as pay dividends next year. TCBs dropped TDS draftpick Chris Duncan to make room. Grade: A++ or Fu, depending on where you stand.



The Darned Sox, their manager with that sinking hot feeling going through his body as though he just got called to the principle's office, can only guess that in his haste to pick up Liriano and feel good about sniping the league put Johnny Damon ahead of Liriano in his free agent 'wishlist' thingy. Fool me once, shame on The Consummate Bastards. Always, shame on them. $1 for Damon. Grade: C--

"Movin' right along..." All the Footloose and Fancyfree Cubs made room for Twins SP Scott Baker by not waiting for something better to come along from Jason Jennings who stunk it up to the tune of 11 runs in .2 IP. ATWC would have been justified in picking up Rick Ankiel to replace Jennings in the rotation. $2. Grade: B-.

The Jackanapes, determined to spend every last fantasy dollar, and maybe some Monopoly cash if the league'll let 'em, picked up SS qualifying CF Bill Hall to replace Edgar "Tough Break" Renteria who almost broke his ankle. Renteria was chooglin' along and was quietly putting together an outstanding season as SS go. Tougher break for the Jacks who are now in contention after early season struggles. $1, because the Jacks don't have many more. Grade: B, for necessity.

The Not So Frageelay Flowers made two moves to start the week: Newly minted Texas Ranger Kason Gabbard was sent packing for Micah Owings. Gabbard must've felt like he was on Cloud 149 pitching for the Red Sox compared to the lowly Rangers. Sportsline says he's a solid start in deeper mixed leagues. I've seen too many Ranger games to be this hopeful. My advice to Kason is to lay off the clubhouse water, carry garlic cloves, and rabbits' feet. Texas is where pitchers come to die. $1. NSFF's patience with true setup men proved fragile when they dumped relatively new Flower Scot Shields, who's been shitty since the break. Replacing Shields will be Melky Cabrera to the tune of $1. Cabrera dodged a bullet by not being obviated at the real trade deadline and has been stellar the last few weeks. Nice pick up. Grade: B-