Getting to Know...the Not So Fragile Flowers

"That pine tar was organic, asshole!"


Michael L. "Mike" Roberts is no wilted flower. An avid outdoorsmen, a nationally-ranked snowshoer, an environmentalist with a capital MENTAL, Roberts is the toughest pansy I know. And while his fantasy baseball team is more known for its proclivity towards injury than it's W/L record, Michael exudes a winning personality. He has achieved such great success in both his personal and professional life that fantasy baseball success is sure to follow.

We recently sat down for a chat.

Commissioner Johnston: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. You're a hard man to get in touch with. Most inquiries sent your way are met with "I'll get back to you in 24 hours." Then months of silence. Because of this, there are rumors afloat about your profession. Some have said you're a consultant to the Military Industrial Complex. Others have said you're a charlatan who peddles vitamin-fortified juice to widows. Care to set the record straight? What DO you DO?

Mike Roberts: I am in the business of reverse engineering all of the ‘progress’ we, as a society, have made in the past 40 years or so. Everything else you have heard is just a side note. Check out my website: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/

CJ: Oh, I see. You're one of *those* people. You care more about owls than soldiers. Pop quiz, hotshot: Who killed the electric car?

MR: Colonel Mustard, in the library, with a candlestick.

CJ: Let's talk a little about the (Not So) Fragile Flowers. Your teams over the last couple of years have been bereft of power. And almost as if to thumb your nose at your various critics -- of which there are plenty -- you selected Julio Lugo with pick no. 38. How many singles do you project Lugo to hit this year? And will you lobby the commissioners to make singles worth 4 points?

MR: In reality, it was a mistake. I was searching for Juan Pierre and somehow ended up with Lugo. Regardless, I like what I see and project him hitting at least 50 singles this year. In the past, the problem has not been my singles hitters. Those guys are doing their jobs and getting on base. The problem has come with the HGH part of the lineup who think that instead of another single to move the runners over, they should end it with one swing. And end it usually does. And next year, I won’t need to lobby – I will be the lone commissioner making all the rules.

CJ: Speaking of which, you've been a vocal critic of the current DCBA Commissioners' "Reign of Terror" as you once referred to it. What will you do differently next year when you are the lone Commissioner?

MR: As Commissioner, I hope to close the gap between the haves and have nots. As an owner of a mid-market team, I can personally vouch for the fact that the revenue-sharing algorithm in place is not working. Secondly, I plan to rid the league of foreign owners. When owners from foreign countries such as Australia and Texas invade our league with Aussie Dollars and Tehas Bucks, it just confuses the whole free agent bidding system. Those will be my top two priorities.

CJ: Those are strong words coming from someone who grew up in Arizona. Growing up in the god-foresaken desert in the 70s before league expansion brought us the Diamondbacks, what MLB team -- if any -- did you watch during your formative years?

MR: Kansas City Royals. My hands were always sticky during my formative years, so I thought pine tar would be my best alibi.

CJ: Who got your hands stickier: George Brett, Bret Saberhagen, or Dan Quisenberry?

MR: Definitely George Brett. Don't you remember the pink Izods he wore?

CJ: Those AL hunks did nothing for me. I only had eyes for Ryno. Anyway, after you wiped off and shipped out to college, you spent your post-college, drunken slacker years in Seattle. Settle this question once and for all: Who serves a better cup of coffee: Seattle's Best, Starbuck's, or Dunkin' Donuts?

MR: Of the three options, Charbucks tops the crew. Dunkin’ Donuts is all cream all the time and Seattle’s Best will always be second best. The real winner is Torrefazione Italia - Pioneer Square, Seattle.

CJ: Sounds like a good place to ride in your liberal limousine to and get a latte. Who serves better concession food: the Cubs, the White Sox, or the Mariners?

MR: Mariners. Come on, where else can you get an Ichiroll? Although an Old Style in a disintegrating cup is a close second, especially for those environmentalists out there.

CJ: If you were a MLB player, what song would they play over the PA system when you stepped in the batter's box?

MR: As a player, Day Games - Centerfold by J Giles Band, Night Games - Shout at the Devil by Motley Crue. As an owner, I attempt to motivate my team with Dead Flowers by the Rolling Stones at all home games.

CJ: It has worked so far. I see Micah Owings fell victim just last night. But enough about baseball. What we really want to know is: If you could turn the NCAA tournament into a battle of the World's 64 Sexiest Women, who would be your Final Four?

MR: Reese Witherspoon, Gennifer Flowers, Ivanka Trump, Umbra Fisk

CJ: Umbra Fisk? I'll tell you what. Let me bring some women into the discussion other DCBA members (myself included) have at least heard of. How about an 'Eff, Marry, Kill: Elizabeth Filarski-Hasselbeck, Morgan Fairchild (present-day), Teresa Heinz-Kerry

MR: Kill, Eff, Marry respectively.

CJ: What?? You'd kill a hot chick just because you disagree with her politics? Yet you'd draft and start Curt Schilling, whose political views are even more extreme than Filarski-Hasselbeck's? You're a flip-flopper. You'd make a great spouse of Teresa Heinz-Kerry. As for Morgan Fairchild...Weren't you and she an item once? I seem to recall seeing a photo...


CJ: Anyway, Mike. It's been a treat. Good luck this season.

MR: The pleasure was surely mine and indescribable with words.